With less than a month until the 2020 presidential election, the race is heating up in unimaginable ways – and so is your regular butt-clenching routine. If you’re looking to shake things up as your stress levels steadily rise, here are three butt-clenching exercises that you can just do nonstop until this specific part of our current hellscape is over:
The Forward Thrust
If you’re laying prostrate on the floor staring at the ceiling like most people these days, engage your glutes for a gentle hip thrust forward – which is a simple clench you can hold at least until the next debates. Will there even be a next debate? Keep clenching to find out!
Alternating Left/Right Butt Clench
If you’re hunched over in your office chair trying in vain to be a productive member of society through all this, try the right/left alternating butt clench. The alternation of squeezing your left cheek and your right will allow you to keep a sustained clenching action through the workday and into the night as you find yourself trying to make sense of dozens of steroid-fueled tweets. Staring at your phone for hours may not change the outcome, but clenching will at least help you develop strong glutes in case you need to flee the country next year.
The Long Hold
As we reach the final stretch before November 3, you might be wondering, “How am I going to make it? I simply cannot sustain this elevated level of stress any longer.” Give the Long Hold a try – simply clench your butt with the fury of a mother whose child is trapped beneath a car from now until the inauguration, as you can never really be sure what happens. Keep clenching. Don’t stop. Abandon all hope and devote your life to the Clench.
Give these three butt-clenching exercises a month-long try to help ride out the election. If you find that the clench loses its effectiveness as time wears on, you can always try: crying, picking a fight with a loved one for no reason, or a light coma until everything is over. Good luck, and don’t forget to vote!