Scientists believe there are specific, definable traits of sad people who just don’t know how to cool it on being sad. By observing the common behaviors of these sad people, we can learn how to be the exact opposite of them. Here are some common traits among the depressingly sad people in our lives, but mostly Sandy:
They Ruin Happy Hour with Their Depressing Shit
Even Friday’s after work when Scott is buying rounds for the project team, Sad People have a tendency to bring everybody down to their level. When someone asks, “How are you doing?” instead of making something up, they tell us about their “terminally ill mother” who is “living with her in a two-bedroom apartment” because she is “the only single person left in the family.” Then we are all forced to listen to Sandy tell us about her life and it’s really awkward to leave and makes everyone uncomfortable.
They Make Waiting for Anything Hell on Earth
Even though the city you all live in is filled with shit we have to wait for, Sad People manage to find a way to complain about the inevitable. “Ugh, does the train ever work?” You’ve BEEN on the train, before, Sandy. Stop ruining everyone’s fucking mood by pointing out the obvious and describing exactly what’s happening right now.
Their Preferences are So Weird and Hyper Specific
Sandy is always the kind of person who asks for lemon with her Diet Coke, and always needs a straw, but not just any straw – she needs a fucking bendy straw because of her neck issues after a “car accident” when she was a teenager. It’s not my fault you were in a car! Get over it! That was like 20 YEARS AGO SANDY.
They are Always “Sick”
See: above. As if “all the visits to the hospital for Mom” were “making her feel really run-down.” Newsflash Sandy: JUST DON’T GO TO THE HOSPITAL YOU DUMB BITCH.
They Hold Friends and Lovers to Unattainable Standards
When Sandy was dating Scott it was super awkward. She was always asking him to “be there for her” which meant physically LEAVING HAPPY HOUR to go support her when she was doing her sad people shit. When he stayed she was like “I don’t know if you are the kind of man I want to be with for the rest of my life” and I was like, “SCOTT, FUCK THAT DUMB SAD BITCH.” And then we made out and he dumped her and we were hooking up for awhile and it was okay.
So, straight from a person who knows how to fucking chill out and be happy for once, don’t do these things and you’ll be perfectly fucking happy!