One of the oldest questions in evolutionary biology is, “Why do humans have sex when it consumes so much time and energy that could be spent on discovering new breakthroughs?” Additionally, one of the second oldest questions is, “Why is everyone else having sex but not us?”
Some single, celibate researchers have noted that other species simply clone themselves, which does not require one to leave the lab or make small talk or go places where they could get a sunburn.
But finally they have an answer as to why so many humans have sex even though they don’t – it turns out sexually produced offspring get sick far less often than cloned offspring. Also, sex feels great and is fun.
“The research was surprising,” said lead researcher Vihaan Patel. “It turns out there is an actual scientific reason for this bizarre expenditure of energy for most people. They enjoy it, apparently. But it also explained why sex isn’t worth it to us scientists, many of whom have weak immune systems and would likely only have access to sexual partners who also have weak immune systems. And most of us just like aren’t really looking for a thing right? Like we’re so busy trying to do important things like cure cancer.”
The study involved extensive observation of waterfleas, a species that sometimes reproduces asexually and sometimes sexually. The scientists found that the waterfleas that reproduced sexually had offspring that were more resistant to infection whereas the waterfleas that reproduced asexually seemed more interested in spending their time hiding from predators.
The waterfleas that reproduced sexually were also less stressed.
“Fascinatingly,” added Patel, “I recently mentioned my waterfleas to a pleasing woman at a bar and she immediately walked away. Perhaps she did not want to have sex with me for pleasure or procreation?”
Finally science has discovered a reason for why many humans and other species choose to have sex, while scientists do not.
“Whatever you or your species choose, the choice is an obvious one,” says Vihaan, pulling on a pair of latex gloves. “For some of us, there is just no need to get our hands dirty.”