You Don’t Do Yoga? You Obviously Hate Yourself.

The Divine Life!

Walk with Azalea in her journey to self-empowerment and self-discovery.
Have you ever looked at a tree? I mean really looked at one? Have you wrapped your arms around its thick, rough, prickly body and held onto it, giving it a big, loving hug?
Have you ever stood in front of a tree and thought about what it has seen in its lifetime – war, love, friendship, slavery? Probably not. And it’s probably because you’re an asshole and you don’t practice yoga. Yoga, my friends. This is where the answers lie – in yoga. Yoga makes you notice trees. And it not only connects you to nature, it connects you to yourself. Sounds pretty nice, right? It is. Obviously.
If you are looking to not hate yourself anymore, it’s time you started practicing yoga. Don’t ever say, “I do yoga.” We practice yoga. Because you’re practicing to become a better human being and eventually, by breathing deeper, silencing your thoughts and moving your body into warrior and animal poses, you will become one. And you know what they say – practice makes perfect. You want to be perfect, don’t you? You don’t want to keep being such an asshole?
I was once a self-pitying, unmotivated, lonely mess of a gal like you are right now, blaming ex-boyfriends and prettier women for my neuroses. But then I found YOGA. Oh man, did I resist it. All that hippy dippy meditation and chanting. NO, THANK YOU! But then I saw Eat, Pray, Love with Julia Roberts and it hit me – I was being a closed-minded asshole like you probably are right now, and should open myself up to the unknown! I want to sit on a mountain!
One of my early yoga teachers, Swami Patnambanamba, would say, “turn off the static of your mind.” And I thought, “huh?” But that was it! All those negative feelings were just static and I wanted to be on a clear channel! If you were to peek into my mind now, it looks like a cloud. I’m serious – it’s so empty! God, I’m calm. And the yoga flows make me feel so much stronger. Chatarungas are like military push-ups and they are really fucking hard. Knowing that I can do them proves that I am awesome! My mind is getting stimulated like a motherfucker while you’re probably sitting on the couch eating cheese.
Here I am, two years since my yoga journey began. I am slower, calmer and clearer with a bigger heart (yes, your heart actually grows when you practice yoga). I have less room for hate and more room for love and I am connecting to myself, others and nature like never before. Praise!

There are so many more great effects to having a yoga practice: amazing ass, toner arms, flat belly – but it also reverses the signs of aging, improves flexibility, digestion (you poop better), blood pressure, heart rate, anxiety, depression, weight, energy, insomnia – even cancer! But most importantly, yoga makes you a kinder, more likable human being. And that’s what we all want, right? We all want to be less like you are right now? Because if people were more like me, we’d all be more successful. And the more successful we are, the more friends we will have who can also become yogis. And the more enlightened yogis in the world, the less wars will be fought. Yogis are saving the world, guys. What have you done for the world? Get on it.
Now, lets go back to the tree. We are just like trees. We start with roots and we grow and grow and even if we’ve experienced really traumatic stuff in our childhoods (like abuse!), it’s these experiences that make us stronger trees! And readers, I’d like to leave you by guiding you into tree pose (vrikshasana). Just try it! Stand up straight for once in your life, place your right foot on your left thigh, and think about how much better of a person you would be if you did this more often.