It’s a Not-So-Wonderful Life: Make People Feel Bad For You in a Christmas Newsletter

Christmas Newsletter

Still haven’t written your annual holiday newsletter? It may be late, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make an impact. Amidst a sea of braggarts, whitewashers, and flat-out liars, you can craft a holiday letter to remember by going jingle-balls out with some real talk. Share all of your sadness and shame, but keep it light so people don’t stop reading. We’ve provided the key topics you need to cover to make your update sadly sing.
 

Rehab

“Kaylie’s therapist says she’s doing great and is up to 97 pounds! We were hoping she’d be back for the holidays, but she said she’s not ready to see us yet. Teenagers!”
 

Devastating Accidents

“Marcus is still in a coma, but on the bright side, his story is going to be used in a commercial about the dangers of sexting and driving.”
 

Job Loss

“After 25 years, the hospital says they don’t need me anymore. I’m trying to look at it as a new opportunity and not a terrifying loss of identity. Let me know if you have any leads, guys!”
 

 

Extramarital Affairs

“John’s career is finally picking up and he’s always traveling. While his 23-year-old assistant Brittany keeps him company on the road, Stolichnaya keeps me company at home. Just kidding – I drink Popov!”
 

Elderly Parents’ Deterioration

“Though we didn’t take a family trip this year, I indulged in a trip just for me! I went to visit my mom in Texas, but she didn’t know who I was and I had to leave when her screams of ‘I don’t have a fat daughter’ started upsetting the other patients. Incidentally, I’m doing the Alzheimer’s Walk again in March if anyone wants to sponsor me. We can beat this thing!”
 
Play your shitty cards right, and your letter could earn you a reprieve from people for favors, money, and apologies owed. And if you can’t get it out before Christmas, send it out at any point afterward and people will even better understand just how fucked up your life is!