Woman’s ‘Ugh’ Breaks the Sound Barrier

woman's ugh

A woman’s “UGH” was uttered with such force that a sonic boom has ripped through downtown Chicago, causing hundreds of injuries, and four deaths in the region.

 

The force with which the air issued from the woman’s lungs reached mach 3, shattering every window in the Wrigley building and tearing a quivering fissure in the time-space continuum.

 

A source close to the scene alleges that it was provoked by a rip in the stockings of Jessica Bright, 27, who was “having a really crappy day.”

 

The “UGH” in question was unleashed upon the city like the wrath of God in nearby Cityfront Plaza. While many factors likely contributed to this “UGH,” it has been confirmed that one such factor was Ms. Bright’s discovery that the local sandwich shop gave her a complimentary can of cola with her lunch special as opposed to a can of diet cola.

 

Locals are reporting an unbearable stench in the area caused by the bloated corpses of thousands of dead fish floating in the Chicago River. Early reports assumed a rain of dead pigeons, along with several red-tailed hawks, and have been expecting a subsequent storm of locusts that cannot be confirmed at this time.

 

 

The seething “UGH” hath cleft Lower Wacker Drive and Rush Street in twain. While police are releasing very few details, investigators are on the lookout for a missing school bus of children last seen driving along North Wabash Avenue. If those passengers are alive, we assume that they are permanently deaf or turned to stone.

 

Yea, at this time, a dense mass of anti-matter located in the general area where the “UGH” originated seems to be sucking nearby objects into it. There also appears to be a beautiful white light nearby, wherein all is forgiven and inner peace is achieved.

 

Several employees of the sandwich shop in question are currently under arrest.