Woman Caught Not Masturbating at Fifty Shades of Gray Screening

Theatergoers were shocked and disgusted this week when a lone woman at the Anaheim AMC’s matinee screening of Fifty Shades of Grey neglected to masturbate during the hit film.

 

Jane Comstock, a 39-year-old mother of two, was seen entering the theater and, to the total shock of onlookers, watched the entire movie and exited the theater without stimulating her genitals with her hands or any other object.

 

“I was busy pounding the kitty in a dildo Astroglide party of one, “ says theater goer Margo Knox, “and just as my eyes were rolling back into my head for the o-zone, this creepy woman was staring straight ahead and was actually paying attention to the film. It was really unnerving and creepy to see her sitting like that staring at the screen while I was masturbating and staring at her.”

 

Knox adds, “People are sick.”

 

 

Comstock’s actions seemed to have an affect on many of the other masturbating women at the screening.

 

“Once me and my group caught sight of that uptight pearl-clutcher, it was a lot harder to parallel play with my book club,” exclaimed 37-year-old Marjorie Downs. “We all still cranked a few out, but it was a lot harder than it should have been.”

 

“There are three things I go to the movies for: oily popcorn, mumblecore independent cinema, and violent public masturbation. That woman truly violated something sacred,” says Angie Palmer, who was not actually at the screening but heard about it from a friend.

 

A few moviegoers had their own theories about what could have motivated Comstock to perform such and egregious act.

 

“The only thing I can think of is that she wasn’t masturbating because she wanted to focus on the film,” said 42-year-old Jenna Blunt as she wheeled her toddler out of the theater while wearing her public masturbation poncho. “If that’s the case, she’s even more disturbed than any of us could possibly imagine.”