There are many ways a woman in this day and age can feel empowered. She can tell herself to smile while she’s walking down the street. She can start self-identifying as a Ford truck. She can hold a tiny vision board in her vagina for safe-keeping. Allow us to let you in on a little secret: We find that women feel the most empowered when they give themselves a wedgie. Wait, whaaat? you might be thinking. Isn’t that just for bullies? Well ladies, not anymore. Nothing affirms your individuality, freedom, and sense of awesome self more than giving yourself the big, bad W.
We are all born with a butt—a butt that was made to support our torsos, protect our hipbones, and accommodate bunched-up cotton. Mother Nature’s butt design reminds us that we, as women, attained the same birthright as men to feel the distracting, straining tension of underwear being pulled up in between our butt cheeks.
Who doesn’t love a wedgie? Who doesn’t enjoy the firm yet familiar tug on the butthole when one least expects it? And you know what we find to be the most wonderful part of a wedgie? The fact that you don’t need another person to provide you with the intimate experience. You can do it yourself.
It breaks our hearts when we hear about women who are hesitant to give themselves wedgies, who feel ashamed, dirty, or just plain wrong about doing it. It’s so incredibly sad that some women are so disconnected from their bodies that they are unwilling to explore them. If you are one of these women, perhaps reading this will inspire you to take charge of your life and give yourself what you need: a powerful, partner-free wedgie. Here’s why:
It Solidifies Your Independence
When you finally get a wedgie from your own devices, whether it be by your hands or a pulley system you set up in your living room, it reaffirms that your needs can be met all by yourself. It reminds you that you don’t have to put yourself at risk of careless underwear rips or hemorrhoids due to another person’s negligence or ignorance on the matter of giving you a wedgie. You don’t need to suffer through the company of inexperienced, immature, wedgie-giving wannabes, just to not get your underwear all the way up over your head. Look yourself in the mirror and say, “I can do atomic wedgie all by myself!”
It Gives You Time to Figure out How You Like to Be Wedgied
How the hell is one supposed to know how they like to be wedgied unless they wedgie themselves? There will be times in your life when you won’t get many wedgies from other people; that doesn’t mean you can’t partake in the intimate act of the self-induced wedgie. When you start giving them to yourself, everything changes. You’ll learn exactly what feels tight (your underwear) and what doesn’t (your smile!). You’ll learn where all of your trigger points are. You’ll also learn the specific spots that drive you to the point of experiencing a full-body wedge. You might even find that you can have multiple, shart-inducing wedgies that you had previously thought were relegated only to the lactose-intolerant loser kid from fifth grade. Most of all, you’ll learn that you are the only one responsible for your own wedgie.
It Makes Your Life a Million, Trillion Times Better
The more you wedgie yourself, the more in tune you are with yourself and the more whole you become. The more connected you are to yourself, the more connected other people become to you. You’ll be able to communicate exactly what feels amazing to your future wedgie partners because you know exactly what feels amazing to you—a wedgie.
So ladies, if you want to feel empowered, you know what to do. Light some candles, put on some mood music, and give yourself a wedgie all night long. You are so strong!