Why Eating is Good…Sometimes

The Divine Life!

When it comes to dieting, I’ve done it all – all green juice, all tomato soup, all pork, all ants on a log — you name it, I’ve tried it. But friends, if there’s one thing I’ve realized, it’s this: it’s only good to eat sometimes.
After a deep exploration into numerous diets, pretend food allergies and family eating rituals, I discovered that no matter what and how you are eating, it should only be a “sometimes” activity. If you eat all the time, not only will you gain weight and get all sorts of diseases, but eating may lose its glorious appeal entirely. And we don’t want that! I want to enjoy every single ant on that log!
Grab a piece of food, pick the closest thing to you, and just look at it. What does it look like? What are the colors? What does it smell like? Now put it in your mouth. Chew. What are the tastes? NOTICE! Don’t cheat! While you’re chewing, think about the people who put the seeds in the ground, or if it’s an animal, who was this animal? What was its name? Who were its parents? If you’re eating “junk” food, can you taste those chemicals? What do they taste like? Who was the scientist that created that chemical? Did they wear glasses? THINK ABOUT IT! THIS SHIT IS IN YOUR MOUTH SO THINK ABOUT IT! Savor that bite for five minutes. After that five minutes, stop. STOP EATING! When you’re not eating all the time, you’re fighting Monsanto. What is Monsanto? They are bad and it has to do with food. And we don’t want to contribute to bad things, right?
I understand that many of us eat just because we are bored. If this sounds like you, here’s what I suggest: try a hobby where you can’t use your hands. If your hands aren’t free, you won’t put food in your mouth. I mean, you will, but you will only do it sometimes because it’s hard. Like lawn mowing or fixing an engine or card tricks. This totally worked for a friend of mine! She’s really good at magic now!

I still crave ants on a log morning, noon and night – but when I only eat them sometimes, I really get to think about how sweet this little food item made up of raisins, celery and peanut butter is. And then I think about actual ants on actual logs. And then my mind is totally off of food and on that log in the woods where I once did it with Tony Schlamotti. Don’t do it on a log. You’ll get bit by ants and realize ants on a log is a real thing! Anyways, see how distracted I just got? It really works, guys. Put more thought into eating and you will crave it less. It’s that easy.