The “Hula Hoop Diet”:
I’m so pro anything that validates my diet of doing blow while wearing a Skip-It.
South Dakota upstaged her fatter, shorter, older sis at the Met Ball this week. Sorry, D—no Volturi curse can stop the younger version of you from droning on about how she “adores the tangelo Mimosas Sofia Coppola always has on set.”
Dear Penises, I’ve missed you all winter.
Li’l mama flew into Syrian airspace, destroyed dangerous missile sites and then told them she’d beat… they… ahh-yuss if they retaliated. #BadGirlsClub
You landed Kong Kardashian for your June cover? Ohskewmelookatchoo! Keep this sh*t up and you might finally be read outside of dentists’ offices.
Last time the royal rojo was on American soil, we saw his bum in a Vegas hotel suite. Here’s hoping a sex tape will leak after this week’s trip. Chelsy Davy is out of the picture and he’s a drunk uncle.
I was worried 15 Minutes of Fame couldn’t be frozen in its final 30 seconds and then thawed out years later with a blatant appeal for attention. Thanks for proving me wrong. [Sidenote: The videos
The U.S. Deficit:
You dropped $200 billion right before swimsuit season? You’re so post-baby Gisele. Totez jelz.
Will Sasso’s Vine:
Tyra Banks’ Vine:
Even 6 seconds is too much.
Google “All Access” Music:
I’ve already spent a collective 13 hours mmm-hmm-nodding while people drone on about Spotify. I really didn’t need a second round of that longversation.
Smirnoff Sorbet-Infused Vodka:
Vom.com. I’ll stick to my Chubby Hubby Southern Comfort Slammer, thank you.
Abercrombie & Fitch:
In order to be “exclusionary,” its stores don’t stock sizes larger than 10. Um, anything over a 4 is gross. Your f*cking chub club is basically a bass-ridden HomeTown Buffet that smells like Axe Body Spray.
Girl, we can all see those Ziploc bags on your teeth.
YouTube’s Subscription Fees:
.99 to watch a cat jump in a box? Um, am I in a back alley in Taipei?
NY’s Folk Art Museum:
MoMA wants to tear it down in order to expand. No brainer. Quilts are fugly. Uh guh-bye.
It’s panhandling for tricks who have Final Cut. Get a loan.
The Bacterial Meningitis Outbreak:
Like I need another reason to spend 37 minutes in a WebMD K-hole.
If I wanted to listen to a bunch of loud-ass 17-year-olds, I’d sit in a food court. Shut the f**k up. I’m trying to enjoy my friend’s friend’s country home.