WHAT A F#$*ING WEEK WITH JAY CREW: ISSUE 5

Reductress - Faggregator Michael Bright

 

IN:

 
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Jenna Jameson Calls Out Ex-Husband’s Drug Addiction on Twitter

Anyone who Tweets an FU at a UFC Champ isn’t F-ing around. She put Tito on blast with her money shot of his drug stash. With all the prescription narcotics and Diet Coke in that pic, I so thought that was my fridge for a hot minute.
 
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Ryan Seacrest Basically Comes Out via Email

I could spend six hours giving handies at a crystal meth circle jerk full of out-of-work chorus boys and it still wouldn’t be as gay as your recent email to Kim K: “Yay! Congrats my darling, you’re a mommy!” Either that or Auntie Mame hacked your Hotmail.
 

 
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Miley Cyrus Has Laryngitis, Has to Stop Singing

Dear God,
Apparently you do exist. Sorry for last night/the past 16 years.
Love,
Jay C.
 
Image: File photo of North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un waves as he visits military units on islands in the most southwest of Pyongyang

Kim Jong Un Plays ‘Mean Girl’

In response to a defector’s claim that Li’l Kim gave Hitler’s autobiography to military officials as a gift, “North Korea denounced the defectors as ‘human scum’ and threatened to kill them.” Just remember Kimmy – this makes you only SLIGHTLY nicer than Hitler.
 
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Instagram Adds 15-Second Video Option with 13 Filters

You Bing-researching, Lycos-emailing, Napster-streaming, Activia-eating diaper dinosaurs might as well be using a Super-8. Happy with your six-second vines, Grandpa? My videos will be all Hefe’d out for NINE SECONDS LONGER. The future is now, bitch.
 

OUT:

 
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Peonies on Instagram

You have $7 and access to a mason jar. That doesn’t mean you need to Real Simple my Instagram feed to death. It’s getting in the way of the 18-year-olds I follow who post selfies their abs in the bathroom mirror every 13 minutes.
 
 
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Courtney Stodden Feels “More Like a Woman” After DD Implants

You are a terrible role model for drag queens everywhere. Now every little Dominican boy who just wants to spend his evenings executing the choreography to MDNA’s Blonde Ambition Tour is going to feel like he needs to mimic the type of tits you usually only find on sale in party stores after Halloween.
 
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Paula Deen Enterprises Claims She Used the N-Word Because “She was born 60 years ago”

 
JAY: How old are you?  
JAY’S MOM: 60  
JAY: Can I say the N-word?  
JAY’S MOM: Absolutely not. No. Never.  
JAY: Paula Deen says 60 year olds say it.  
JAY’S MOM: She’s wrong. Wait. Is this for your column?  
JAY: No.  
JAY’S MOM: Do not print my age.  
JAY: K. Byyyye!