What a F#$*ing Week with Jay Crew: Issue 3

Reductress - Faggregator Michael Bright

Every week our resident gay, Jay Crew, guides you through what’s IN and what’s OUT in culture.
 

IN:

 
anna nicole

“The Anna Nicole Story” Trailer

Pills, champagne and mental breakdowns set to a breathy rendition of I’m Gonna Live Forever? Is this the prom of my dreams?!
 
 

 
 
Joe Francis

Joe Francis

Finally someone leaked a sex tape of the Girls Gone Wild A.K.A. ‘porn lite’. Sure, dirty daddy looks like a carb-loading hybrid of Kris Jenner and Barry Manilow but I’m happy to exact justice for the SoCo’d southern coeds he plastered all over late-night TV over and over in the nineties. It’s the least my dick can do.
 
 
 
syria

Syria

This heifer straight read Turkey to filth by telling residents the neighboring country was too dangerous to visit. Calling out a bitch for using water cannons & tear gas on protesters when you’re using deadly force & Sarin gas on your own opponents is genius. Tell me Lizzie Grubman is behind all this.
 
 
 
prancercise

Prancercizing

After banging everyone at SoulCycle, I needed to find a new workout – like yesterday. Thank the goddesses that Joanna Rohrback’s prescription addiction came up with a regimen I can do in an Ann Taylor Loft blazer and Ice Capades tights. Let’s grab a drink next time I’m in Boca.
 
 
 
prancercrotch

Camel Toe

See: above.
 
 
 
 
james lipton

James Lipton’s Pimpdom

James Lipton admitted he was a pimp in Paris in the 1950’s. I’m so glad he quit asking old French men if they prefer anal so that he could move on to asking Bradley Cooper for his favorite swear word.
 
 
 
michael douglas

Michael Douglas in Steven Soderbergh’s Behind the Candelabra

You were so convincing as Liberace that you had to come out this week claiming you got throat cancer from performing oral sex on women? Okay, Michael. Sure you did. Just like Liberace lost his virginity to a woman at 16.
 
 
 

OUT:

 
 
 
bieber

Justin Bieber’s Leather Shirt

Quit Bling Ringing Brigitte Nielsen’s winter wardrobe. You look like a Project Runway model after her designer failed the car cover couture Maaco makeover challenge.
 
 
 
miley

Miley Cyrus

Quit Single White Female-ing Brigitte Nielsen’s everything. What’s next on your list of accesories? Flava Flav?
 
 
 
lynnette hales

Lynette Hales

You summoned immeasurable strength in a moment of crisis and delivered twin boys on the side of a Utah highway before personally resuscitating one son using CPR … and then named them A.J. and J.J.? Why does this tearjerker end with your little miracles named after the only Backstreet Boy Lou Pearlman didn’t bang and the unemployed star of Good Times? Tragedy.
 
 
 
donut sandwich

Dunkin’ Donuts Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich

Even the chinless socket-lickers who frequent your store at 3 a.m. know you haven’t “changed breakfast forever” by fingering a glazed donut with two bacon strips and a squirt of egg foam. I’ll start paying attention when you start squeezing an endangered bird’s fatty liver between two Cronuts, thanks.
 
 
 
kristen bell

Kristen Bell Refusing to Share Baby Photos

Translation: you’re holding out for an exclusive. Every minute you wait, the more you can earn for that black market celebrity baby meat. Blue Ivy’s shakin’ in her Versace booties.
 
 
 
arod

MLB Seeks to Suspend Players Connected with Biogenesis Drug Scandal

I don’t care about the size of their testicles. But this is blatant muscle-shaming of our nation’s beefcakes!  We’re already experiencing a deficit.
 
 
 
zosia mamet

Zosia Mamet’s Kickstarter Page

OMG. So sorrs I haven’t given your band any bones to produce your banjo ballad yet. I’ve been busy mailing Oprah money to help her buy a horse farm in Ontario. It’s cute that you’re pretending that you’re a normal person though.
 
 
 
brad pitt

Brad Pitt

Ugh. Remember when you were the sexiest man alive? You look like Brett Butler circa the cancellation of Grace Under Fire. Oh wait maybe that IS Brett. Did she fall off the wagon?
 
 
 
after earth

Will Smith in After Earth

Willy! You can literally be in any movie you choose and you picked the worst one ever made? Your character is named Cypher Raige?! It’s directed by M. Night SHAM-alan?! Sweetie. You should know better.
 
 
 
red wedding

Game of Thrones’ Red Wedding

I’m not talking about the episode’s plot reveals. The wedding itself was disgusting! The lighting was gross, the wedding dress was gross, and there weren’t even any flowers, just nasty stubby old candles. Throw a real party, Frey! Even if you know the linens will be stained with bloodshed, there’s no excuse not to make it convincingly fab!