“The Anna Nicole Story” Trailer
Pills, champagne and mental breakdowns set to a breathy rendition of I’m Gonna Live Forever? Is this the prom of my dreams?!
Finally someone leaked a sex tape of the Girls Gone Wild A.K.A. ‘porn lite’. Sure, dirty daddy looks like a carb-loading hybrid of Kris Jenner and Barry Manilow but I’m happy to exact justice for the SoCo’d southern coeds he plastered all over late-night TV over and over in the nineties. It’s the least my dick can do.
This heifer straight read Turkey to filth by telling residents the neighboring country was too dangerous to visit. Calling out a bitch for using water cannons & tear gas on protesters when you’re using deadly force & Sarin gas on your own opponents is genius. Tell me Lizzie Grubman is behind all this.
After banging everyone at SoulCycle, I needed to find a new workout – like yesterday. Thank the goddesses that Joanna Rohrback’s prescription addiction came up with a regimen I can do in an Ann Taylor Loft blazer and Ice Capades tights. Let’s grab a drink next time I’m in Boca.
James Lipton’s Pimpdom
James Lipton admitted he was a pimp in Paris in the 1950’s. I’m so glad he quit asking old French men if they prefer anal so that he could move on to asking Bradley Cooper for his favorite swear word.
Michael Douglas in Steven Soderbergh’s Behind the Candelabra
You were so convincing as Liberace that you had to come out this week claiming you got throat cancer from performing oral sex on women? Okay, Michael. Sure you did. Just like Liberace lost his virginity to a woman at 16.
Justin Bieber’s Leather Shirt
You summoned immeasurable strength in a moment of crisis and delivered twin boys on the side of a Utah highway before personally resuscitating one son using CPR … and then named them A.J. and J.J.? Why does this tearjerker end with your little miracles named after the only Backstreet Boy Lou Pearlman didn’t bang and the unemployed star of Good Times? Tragedy.
Dunkin’ Donuts Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich
Even the chinless socket-lickers who frequent your store at 3 a.m. know you haven’t “changed breakfast forever” by fingering a glazed donut with two bacon strips and a squirt of egg foam. I’ll start paying attention when you start squeezing an endangered bird’s fatty liver between two Cronuts, thanks.
Kristen Bell Refusing to Share Baby Photos
MLB Seeks to Suspend Players Connected with Biogenesis Drug Scandal
Zosia Mamet’s Kickstarter Page
OMG. So sorrs I haven’t given your band any bones to produce your banjo ballad yet. I’ve been busy mailing Oprah money to help her buy a horse farm in Ontario. It’s cute that you’re pretending that you’re a normal person though.
Will Smith in After Earth
Willy! You can literally be in any movie you choose and you picked the worst one ever made? Your character is named Cypher Raige?! It’s directed by M. Night SHAM-alan?! Sweetie. You should know better.
Game of Thrones’ Red Wedding
I’m not talking about the episode’s plot reveals. The wedding itself was disgusting! The lighting was gross, the wedding dress was gross, and there weren’t even any flowers, just nasty stubby old candles. Throw a real party, Frey! Even if you know the linens will be stained with bloodshed, there’s no excuse not to make it convincingly fab!