What a F#$*ing Week with Jay Crew: Issue 2

Reductress - Faggregator Michael Bright

Every week our resident gay, Jay Crew, guides you through what’s IN and what’s OUT in culture.
 

IN:

 
marissa mayer

Marissa Mayer

Unofficially confirmed she’s keeping porn on Tumblr. I was finna pop off if that CEO 86’d NSFW GIFs of PYTs 69-ing.
 
 
 
ff6

Fast and Furious 6

Paul Walker. Jordana Brewster. Ludacris. The movie franchise is the only thing that’s kept these 3 off welfare since 2001.
 
 
 
boehner

Republicans

Talk of a 38th vote on Obamacare? I love a bitter bitch. This Congress is like the C-Span version of Revenge.
 
 
 
bynes

Page Six – “AMANDA BYNES, with filthy feet, trying on Chanel shoes at Barneys.”

You always provide news I can use.
 
 
 
brad

Brad Pitt

J’adore that you self-diagnosed prosopagnosia or “face blindness” without getting tested. I’m obsessed with visions of you and your twig wife WebMD-ing “remembering + hard” at 3am.
 

OUT:

 
stodden

Courtney Stodden Sex Tape

This is about as shocking as leaked photos of Honey Boo Boo in Wow Wear. If you really want to surprise people, post a video of yourself accurately summarizing a book. I recommend Goodnight Moon.
 
 
 
sangria

Summer Sangria

The only fruit I want in my hooch is a Watermelon Jolly Rancher. You can take your Sandra Lee, Fat Network bullsh*t to another table.
 
 
 
czj

Catherine Zeta Jones

In America, we don’t proactively check into a clinic for bipolar disorder, complete the full treatment and quietly go home. We tweet a bald photo, tape two episodes of reality rehab and then bang a Saudi billionaire for meth money. Get it right, you boring-ass Brit.
 
 
 
longoria

Eva Longoria’s Vagina

Flashing your Marc Cherry at Cannes is so 2004. Nobody’s doing that anymore. While you’re at it, why not give me a Pilates pamphlet, hot gossip on Chad Michael Murray and a Boston Legal episode recap?
 
 
 
suri

Suri Cruise

Why are you pumping the breaks on your rumored clothing line? Get off your apathetic ass and earn your keep, Cosette. The Olsen twins sold a billion dollar’s worth of merch singing about peanut butter before they turned 7, and you can’t even throw together a $472 ballet flat for your fellow first graders?
 
 
 
bynes

Amanda Bynes’ Neighbors

Why’d you bust up homegirl’s Weed n’ Wigs party? Now I risk losing one amazing Twitter feed. Check yourself. You live in Times Square. You need to take your tsk-tsk cluck-clucking uppity asses to the Upper East Side.