We Love These Vegan Cookies that Mary Made Because She is Going Through a Difficult Divorce

We absolutely love Mary’s vegan cookies! And it’s certainly not just because we recently found out she’s getting a divorce. These treats are chock-full of carob nibs, a vegan chocolate alternative that tastes almost like the real thing! And her husband of ten years, Jeff, is a lying, cheating, grade-A asshole, so my God does she need a little bit of positivity right now.


But really, we like eating them!


Mary’s cookies are so delicious that one might ask, “How could a woman who bakes healthy, delicious treats ever be single?” If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, Mary would certainly still be happily married, because these are the most amazing cookies known to man—and they’re vegan! Wow! Go Mary! Really Mary, you should go: It’s important to get out of the house.


We’re not spitting out Mary’s cookies when she leaves the room, we swear!

Mary’s vegan cookies have a chewy moist consistency that she mastered by using her custom Kitchen-Aid mixer. It was a wedding present, so at least she got something good out of that cursed union. These cookies are truly a gift from God; a diamond in the rough of Mary’s current life. Seriously, we’re begging her for the recipe!



Mary’s cookies use almond flour and coconut oil, which are healthful substitutes for butter and wheat. So much better than boring white flour. Jeff never understood that. But who needs him, if he’s not down for Mary or her cookies?


These cookies are A-plus and Mary’s a star for making them! It’s all we can talk about!


By using natural agave, these vegan cookies, like Mary, have the perfect balance of sweetness. The cookies won’t weigh you down like a bad marriage. If anything, you’ll miss them when they’re gone, which is just how we felt about Mary back when she spent all her time fighting with Jeff. So good to have her around again! This divorce is for the best! You’ll see, Mary.




Please let Mary know after you try her cookies how tasty they are and that she is still a sexually viable woman with lots of great assets!