Ways to Gracefully Redirect Questions About Your Husband’s Whereabouts

If people are starting to ask questions about where your husband has been in the past few months, you must be wondering how to redirect the conversation while maintaining your style, grace and the appearance of a happy, normal relationship. Never fear! Here are some must-have tips and tricks on how to dodge the subject in any scenario:

 

The Place: Parent-teacher conference

The Question: I was hoping your husband could be here. Where is he?

Fortunately, Dale isn’t the only neglectful husband and absent father in Mrs. McCabe’s class. Begin with a heavy sigh, and trail off with a classic, “The office…” while gazing out the window. If she brings up anything about the “I Miss Daddy” drawings you’re son has been making in school, remind her that “Daddy” was just the family Labrador and you all miss him very much.

 

The Place: Fundraising dinner

The Question: Marla, is Dale coming?

This is a great opportunity to say, “He’s…tied up right now” as you spill some pinot noir on your Hermes scarf to distract from the distant look in your eye as you ponder if he’s still out there somewhere.

 

The Place: Yacht party

The Question: Where’s Dale?

Who doesn’t love a Yacht party? Right now it’s Dale, apparently, which is sort of a new thing ever since he up and disappeared. If someone asks for him and you’re unable to say, “He’s in Shanghai on business,” finish up your champagne and gnaw on the glass until it breaks your teeth. Remember: most of the people on this yacht have dark secrets, too.

 

The Place: The Farmer’s Market

The Question: I thought Dale always came with you to get the first butternut squash of the season! Seriously, where is he?

Ah, the bustle of the Farmer’s market! The way it brings the community together can turn even the biggest city into a tiny, suffocating hellhole of a town. Begin by praising the kale. When your anxiety hives begin to creep past your cashmere turtleneck up toward your face, coyly fan yourself with a bunch of greens. Just as your La Perla underwear falls to the floor in plain sight, laugh and declare, “Who am I, Mae West?!” Your friends will probably say something like “let’s get her out of here, people are staring” before shuttling you back to your car. Your friends love you so much.

 

 

The Place: The Kentucky Derby

The Question: When I last spoke to Dale, he said he just couldn’t miss the race! Wow, that was months ago, where has he been?

Humor is a great way to gently deflect any questions about Dale’s whereabouts. Point to your hat and say, “He’s hiding in my hat!” and then laugh and laugh. Then, grab the nearest horse and ride away.

 

The Place: Your cousin’s wedding.

The Question: Where’s Dale? We’re all very worried.

Take this as an opportunity to weep openly.

 

The Place: Couple’s cruise
The Question: Isn’t this a couple’s cruise? Where’s your husband? Stop trying to run, we’re on a boat.

Damn it, you knew you shouldn’t have gone on this cruise for couples! You walked right into this one, Marla, because your guilt and confusion is turning to a madness that is beginning to consume you. You really backed yourself into a corner this time, so it’s best to calmly turn around, walk to the edge and jump ship. You will die a beautiful mystery, and everyone will still be impressed by your good taste and style.