Vape God is Unfortunately Attractive

Sources report that Brandon “The Arsonist” Gitter, self-proclaimed vape god and full-time creative curator of the “Suck and Blow” YouTube channel is, in spite of all your hopes, very attractive.


Despite his cotton candy breath and the constant shroud of smoke that can’t be good for your asthma, you just cannot ignore his completely unmerited abs and that jawline chiseled by horny angels.


Brandon spends his days pushing the boundaries of vaping, and he’s actually rather good at it – not that it makes it any better. He earned his nickname, “The Arsonist”, because of the dedication and ferocity with which he navigates the art of vaping. That’s definitely a red flag, but when his lips purse to blow out an ethereal, perfectly rounded “O”, you can’t help but imagine that surprisingly soft mouth transporting you atop a scented cloud of pure bliss. You’re fucked.


“Suck and Blow”, his vape trick and occasionally and very regrettably political vlog, actually makes quite the profit. Of course, all proceeds go to extraordinarily expensive sweatshirts and high-tech vape accessories that you will sadly become quite an expert on if you continue engaging with this misguided infatuation.


Brandon does not own any pots or pans.



Perhaps the most troubling of reports of all indicate that, in addition to being champion of the Upstate New York Cloud Chasing circuit, Brandon is an incredibly accomplished lover. He has no regard for social cues and may blow thick plumes of smoke in crowded elevators, but he does know exactly what you desire, somehow. This may probably come as quite a disappointment, as his piercing eyes and tight ass were enough for your pulsating groin to grapple with. Our sincerest apologies.


While the majority polled seem to realize that this is not the outcome you had hoped for, your hands do appear to be tied. He is simply your type (a tragically beautiful Adonis).