To The Girl Who Replaced Me: He Has Two Buttholes

How Are You - Reductress

Dear Replacement,

 

There are just some things I think you should know, as you are now the object of his affection. He will fall in love with you quickly and passionately. When you go out in public together, he will always make you feel like you’re the only one in the room, He is a sensitive, caring person.

 

Also he has two buttholes.

 

Don’t be scared by how easy it’ll be to fall in love with him. Also, don’t be scared when, after your fifth date, he pulls apart his butt cheeks to reveal two holes where you thought you’d find only one. I hope he loves you as deeply as he once loved me. I also hope his parasitic second butthole doesn’t absorb the first one and ruin your vacation.

 

We don’t know each other, but I’m sure you already don’t like me. I resented you when I first found out about the two of you, but we have something in common: We both know what it is like to be held by such an honest, loving man, and we have both been with someone who has poop that comes out of two different places.

 

You should know that when he farts, it is loud. This is because farts in stereo. Don’t let it surprise you how quickly he’ll become important to you, and don’t let it surprise you how quickly he goes through a six pack of toilet paper.

 

Sometimes, he cries. It is your job to hold his hand and tell him every day how handsome he is and how smart he is and to give your unwavering support to each butthole. Do not play favorites. Do not play favorites with his two buttholes.

 

 
He’ll make you see the world in a whole new light; he’ll make you question things you never knew, questions like: “does that mean he also has two rectums? If he only has one rectum which hole is it attached to? What’s the difference between an asshole and a rectum?”

 

He can’t cook, he drinks, and he sometimes has a temper, but you’ll find yourself laughing at his little catchphrases like: “Two buttholes are better than one.”

 

I am his one-sided love story of the past. You are his future now. It is a future between two people and three anal cavities. I only ask one thing of you: Don’t hurt him the way he hurt me. It’s not his fault he was just one huge asshole to me. Having a second asshole makes you more of an asshole. It’s science. You are dating the man of our dreams—the dreams of some weird absurdist painter on acid.
 

Sincerely,

 

The Other Girl

 

P.S.: Hope you don’t have white sheets.