The Perfect Wine Pairing For Every Vaginal Health Issue

Figuring out the perfect wine to pair with Chicken Kiev is tricky. So figuring out the perfect wine to go with that itching sensation on your labia must be impossible, right? Not anymore! Lucky for you and your irritated genitals, we’ve created this simple wine pairing guide for all your vaginal needs! Wine helps all vaginal issues!

 

If you have a yeast infection

 Jaboulet Beaumes-de-Venise ($16.89)

This complex and earthy flavor perfectly compliments both fresh-baked bread and the growing Candida fungus downstairs. Its combination of berry flavors and lemony tang are the perfect bright compliment to that itch that just won’t go away no matter how much cream you inject into your vagina. Distract yourself while prolonging your suffering with this quality red!

 

If you have a UTI

 Knapp 2013 Dry Riesling ($11.99)

This wine cools both the palate and that burning sensation when you pee, which is all the fucking time now. For those who say that drinking often contributes to UTIs, we say, “GTFO while I enjoy myself for one goddamn second!”

 

If you have your period

Korbet Brut California Champagne ($9.99)

Your time of the month isn’t special enough to break out the French stuff, but you can at least lightly celebrate your continued fertility. The bubbles work perfectly with your already bloated gut. Even if this doesn’t really constitute a “health issue,” you’ve earned yourself some fucking champagne, right?

 

 

If you have vaginal dryness due to menopause

 Sweet Moscato ($8.99)

Who said your vagina getting older has to be bad? A yummy dessert wine will help sweeten up your dry and barren uterus. Help yourself to a glass or five while you toss out all your tampons.

 

If you have vulvodynia

 Carlo Rossi Jug Sangria ($14.99)

You have no fucking idea what’s causing your genital pain, but hey, neither does your doctor or literally any medical scientist, so just get that jug and start chugging!

 

The next time you feel a pang downstairs, just consult this handy guide before you reach for the bottle.