The Most Flattering Swimsuits For Your Crippling Self-Loathing

Summer is fast approaching, which also means the beginning of the most stressful time of year: swimsuit season Fear not! No matter who you are, there’s a swimsuit that’s sure to cover up the millions of reasons you hate yourself.

Still reeling with self-doubt over the life choices you’ve made?

A bathing suit with adjustable ties can be very forgiving over a big chest or hips, and even more forgiving of the mistakes you made in college that continue to haunt you.

Feeling like you’re gonna die alone for your selfish and indulgent lifestyle?

This super funky one-piece swim dress is very slimming throughout the waist and hips and does a great job tucking in the fact that you were too busy falling deeper and deeper into debt to have children.

Did Dad admit you weren’t his favorite?

This beautiful bikini offers extra coverage on the bottom for curvy women, while simultaneously lifting and separating your tireless need to win your father’s approval. He’ll never return your calls because he’s living with his new family, but this bathing suit is sure to make a big splash on the beach!

Feeling a little ‘bad crazy’ before your beach day?

A black and white tankini can hide your muffin top while drawing attention away from the 300 voicemails you left your ex and his fiancé last night.

Feeling like a hollow and empty shell of a human?

This fun and flirty floral graphic can help to create dimensions and the illusion that you have a personality.

Just plain old ugly?

This burlap sack is a beautiful addition to any summer wardrobe. Wear it proud Girlfriend! You deserve it!