You work in a cool office, but your office would be perfect if it weren’t for that conniving bitch, Susan. Who the hell does she think she is with her stupid blazers and desire to grow in the company? Susan is constantly insufferable with her “going above and beyond” and “bringing in cupcakes” on people’s birthdays. Luckily with these handy tips, not only will you undermine Susan, you will DESTROY her. Fuck you, Susan.
Say “interesting…” any time she mentions anything at all.
With this totally non-confrontational yet classically confusing response, she’ll forever be second-guessing herself whenever that uppity punk has the nerve to speak up about anything. Susan, I will OWN you.
Steal her pens, all the damn pens.
Oh, you wanna write something down? Too bad. Where are your pens? I got your pens, you bitch.
Manically pick at your teeth while talking to her.
Anytime she’s telling one of her dumb volunteering stories, make it look like your giving her instructions on how to get a giant piece of lettuce from one of her dumb basic bitch salads out of her stupid annoying white teeth. When she casually asks, “is there something in my teeth?” Feign total ignorance and make her think this teeth-picking display was all in her head. Mind games, fool. This is on.
Hide under her desk and grab her legs whenever you get the chance.
Why the fuck not? Getting your legs grabbed is scary, and you don’t overthrow a hoe by playing by the rules.
Scream, “Oh my God!” in total disgust whenever she approaches.
When she asks you what’s wrong after you recoil in total disgust, just shrug it off and say, “Oh, nothing.” The whole day, she’s be questioning whether or not she is in fact a walking, talking human monster. I fucking got my eyes on you, Susan.
Eat her packed lunch. Every. Damn. Day.
This isn’t a game son; this is an all-out war.
What are you going to do with them? How are you going to use them to annihilate Susan? Who cares, they’re mother-fucking snakes and you just bought them by the pound!
Look out Susan. You’re about to get utterly defeated, you bitch.