Talking on the phone is super annoying! It requires you to hold the phone to your head and focus on only one person at the expense of your entire social media circle. Until every phone company offers text-only plans and the spoken word is rendered extinct, you’re doomed to carry the burden of receiving phone calls from friends who want to hear your voice. Here are six useful, elaborate lies to help you through this difficult time.
1. You’re at your grandmother’s funeral.
Your friend may find it unorthodox for the bereaved to text, but tell her you come from an understanding family. Explain that your family knows everybody grieves differently, some through traditional Irish dirges and others through the monkey emoji. Then ask her about that guy she’s been banging. Verbal conversation: avoided!
2. You’re competing in a pie-eating contest.
“Are you at a harvest festival in the Midwest? Aren’t pie-eating contests for children?” your friend might ask. Explain that no, they’re not. And let her know that recently, pie-eating contests are the newest trend in Brooklyn, and you’re nostril deep in hot rhubarb. You can then segue into your tirade about Maggie’s shitty behavior at brunch, totally free of talking!
3. You’re studying to be a Cistercian monk and took a vow of silence, but texting is chill.
Sure, this may seem like a big change to anyone who knows you, but brush up on a thousand years of church history and incorporate words like “crucifixion” and “St. Bernard of Clairvaux” into the conversation and you’ll pull it off. If someone asks how the other monks feel about your texting, just tell them they haven’t said anything yet. That should give you enough latitude to send funny GIFs of people falling down. LOL! Humans are dumb.
4. If you stop listening to this podcast, you will experience spiritual death.
Insist that you’d love nothing more than to chat, but if you stop listening to this podcast segment about how three Appalachian moonshine salesmen respond to the news that they have slightly larger retinas than average, then you will not awaken to the greater truths of our universe. But you’re still totally down to hear about Kat’s new job at Anthro corporate.
5. Reception is shoddy because you moved to an underground city to live amongst the mole people and save money on rent.
New York City is expensive. Nobody will question this.
6. You have ear and mouth cancer but not hand or eye cancer.
Gently break the news that the ear and mouth tumors are inoperable and painful and lumpy. Maybe it’s been awhile since you’ve seen A Walk to Remember, but you got this. Say that you can’t talk because you have to drink the chemo water and shave your head and do whatever it is you’re supposed to do with your hair. Then make your friend spill about her new Tinder hack that only shows rich dudes. Swipe right on not having to hear her voice!
Hopefully, these lies will help you navigate this tough transition and have some good, old-fashioned multiple-apps-open fun along the way!