Taylor Swift Creates Rip in Space-time; Changes Course of Pop Music

Reductress - Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift shocked fans Friday by tearing asunder the fabric of time and space, finding herself on an unlikely adventure in the year 1957. The 23-year-old Grammy Award–winning singer discovered the anomaly in a Nashville vintage clothing store, where she was buying a Peter Pan–collared green dress once worn by June Carter. “One minute she was fondling the hem and humming a catchy tune,” said store employee Polly Martin, “then there was this sucking sound, and she disappeared.” Martin says Swift resurfaced seconds later, wearing “this super authentic Mod dress. She handed me a notebook and said, ‘Give this to Paul, and tell him I’m sorry,’” before running from the store in tears.

 

Sources close to the singer say Swift spent five months in late-1950s Liverpool, where she became a fixture of the burgeoning rock ‘n’ roll scene and dated both young John Lennon and young Paul McCartney. Her effect on the duo was so potent that they ceased playing music together, a decision that prevented the formation of The Beatles.

 

“From my calculations, it’s likely she stopped pop music as we know it,” says cool nerd Neil DeGrasse-Tyson. It’s possible that Swift’s disruption of the time-space continuum meant pop music never flourished anywhere. “In fact,” DeGrasse-Tyson says, “I’m guessing that James Taylor never got started, which means that Swift’s parents never met, married, conceived her, or named her after him.” After looking in the mirror and realizing she had become semi-transparent, Swift likely realized she had to return to 1957 and undo the damage before it was too late. “She probably figured out that if she went back to where she entered the anomaly in the first place, she could set things right.” Sources say Swift did just that, assembling Lennon and McCartney together before playing the 1963 Lennon-McCartney hit “She Loves You” to show them what the world would be missing. She then returned to present day.

 

 

Despite her almost-preternatural ability to heal rifts in time, Swift has kept a low profile since the incident. She is rumored to be writing a new album entitled My Time, with the lead single “Mine on the River Mersey.” McCartney, interviewed on the BBC about the incident, did not recall meeting Taylor Swift in Liverpool in the 1950s. The music superstar then began crying and gently brushed a tear from his cheek. “Wait, why am I…” he said, and stared vacantly into the fog.