How to Talk to Your Daughter about Your Sex Tape

Before giving birth to baby North West, Kim Kardashian must have been plagued by a multitude of fears and concerns. How many millions can I get from her first pictures? How many weeks do I have to wait until she’s old enough for her own publicist? Will she arrive before the new season of Keeping Up, or should I induce labor? Although these questions are vital to a superstar like Ms. Kardashian, an even bigger question looms ahead for the talented (insert job title here): how do I talk to little North about my sex tape? While this may not seem significant to those who aren’t hard up to be in the limelight, this is a hot button issue for celeb mommies with viral videos of them flat-backing it. So how do you tell your little girl about your illicit video before someone posts it on her Facebook page or she reads about it in a top 10 list on TMZ? Here are a few tips for discussing your viral sex video with your daughter.

Don’t be Afraid to Go into Detail

There’s nothing worse than talking to your children about sex–except for talking to them about a video that exists of their mother having sex, so ease into the discussion. Start by gradually talking to them about the good ‘ole in and out then move on to those tougher areas of sex, like bukaki–remember, you’re setting up the scene to discuss your big film debut so it’s important that you be as graphic as possible. Keep in mind that your child will naturally have some hard to answer questions, so be prepared with applicable talking points on things like fellatio, motor-boating, and the dear old dirty Sanchez. Having pictures and other illustrated materials on hand would be extremely helpful, as would videos from Adam & Eve, which can be used as excellent professional resources.


Use Other Points of Reference (or Deflect)

Although your sex tape may have been the hottest in your opinion, you aren’t the first D-lister to make a tawdry video that was “leaked” to the media. Use the ladies that have, ahem, come before you as points of reference when discussing your own viral sex tape with your darling daughter. Before watching your video, advise the girl to check out the widely-viewed and highly publicized sex tapes of celebs like Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton or the wrestler Chyna, reminding her that this was what mommy was aiming for when she let those guys who claimed they were members of Justin Bieber’s entourage film her with a camera phone. Remind your young daughter that there’s no reason for embarrassment as the situation could be worse–you could be a porn star who gets paid to have sex in front of the
camera (omit this step if your celebrity has led you to be an actual porn actor who gets paid to have sex in front of a camera).

Yes, having the “mother made a sex tape that went viral” talk may be difficult; however, after taking on the entire New York Knicks in one season you’re used to a challenge. And, if she’s anything like you, she’ll understand that to be a successful attention whore you must first be a whore.

Adam and Eve