Style Watch: This Month’s Hottest Prescription Painkillers and Tranquilizers

Reductress - Hottest Painkillers

From Tylenol to Tramadol, we round up some of the hottest, most fashionable prescription painkillers this spring. Don’t leave home without ’em!
 

Percocet

Put a little pep in your boring acetaminophen routine with Percocet—a classic take on subdued chic, from hot designer Watson Pharmaceuticals. Ease the tension from a long, protracted breakup with a glass of wine and a Perc at the end of the day—just make sure not to have more than half a bottle, or your liver might stop functioning! Available in a variety of cool spring pastels if you need to take them on-the-go.
 

Vicodin

Vicodin may impair your thinking and your ability to operate machinery—and who doesn’t want that after a busy day at the office? Go from desk to dinner with this versatile little number, used by everyone from the fashion-forward urban chic to the everyday busy mom. Like raw denim, Vicodin may be habit-forming! Also like raw denim, we recommend keeping it in the freezer and away from your roommate who always eats your drugs but never buys her own.
 

Demerol

This chic classic has been popular in the most celebrity-filled spas and clinics of Los Angeles for years. This perennial celebrity favorite comes in not-so-basic white, and goes with everything (except MAO inhibitors, alcohol, sleep apnea or asthma)! Just like your favorite sweatshirt, do not remove Demerol from your rotation suddenly, or you could LITERALLY go through withdrawal. Also, Demerol may have killed Michael Jackson. Don’t be like MJ—intravenous is tacky and bloats.
 

Nucynta

Acute pain? Nerve damage? Just ready to party? Nucynta will take your night to the next level with this powerful opioid. Nucynta comes in a series of warm orange hues, reminiscent of fall but perfect for the post-winter need for complete and utter numbness. The days are getting longer and it’s time to get out there. Pair Nucynta with a colorful spring romper to create a fun and sassy appearance that says you’ve got style—with a little edge.
 

 

Carfentanil (Horse Tranquilizer)

Feeling a little wild? Carfentanil is only prescribed to large animals—but that hasn’t stopped ladies in-the-know from finding this hidden gem. Often found in bold reds and oversized pill forms, this snorter is ideal for when you need to absolutely shut down—literally, you could be unconscious for up to three days. But any publicity is good publicity when you get your stomach pumped at Bellevue with first-class celebrity treatment. Carfentanil is 10,000x stronger than morphine, so it’s best paired with a tall glass of still mineral water and a note with your name, address, and primary emergency contact. Make a real statement and use Louis Vuitton stationery, which will add style and flair to any safety measure!