Study Finds Morning People Live Longer; Are Better Than You

A recent groundbreaking study revealed that men and women who start their day before 7 AM live an average of 2.3 years longer than adults who don’t, and were found to be generally better than you. Yes, you. Morning people are better than you.


“Our data showed adults who have the moral fortitude to rise at a respectable hour will not only outlive you—who reluctantly rolls out of bed at 9:30 on a good day—but they are now proven to be better human beings,” said the study’s lead researcher, behavioral psychologist Dr. Raja Akshay.


Compared to you, the study confirmed that so-called “morning people” practice better hygiene, read more books, and are a whopping 270% less likely to have a breakdown in an H&M dressing room. “You also are way more likely than morning people to overuse group texts, which like, ughhhh,” says Dr. Akshay.


During a packed press conference on Tuesday, Dr. Akshay expressed gratitude for the study’s 27-person team, who worked tirelessly to collect data from the participants and you, even though your room is like, what, does a teenage boy live here? It’s filthy. To collect the necessary data, scientists followed around the morning people and surreptitiously filmed you for 90 consecutive days. The participants were as wide-ranging as your cute co-worker John to your beloved therapist Jill Seff, MSW. They all, however, agreed that maybe you’d have fewer mood swings if you found time for a morning ritual.



“What we found ultimately corroborates one of your deepest fears, which is that other people, from all walks of life, ‘have it together’ more than you do,” says Dr. Akshay, who runs six miles every morning before you even check your email. “These people will enjoy an average of 851 more days on Earth than you will, and they’ll be spared the painful, degenerative conditions you’ll probably get.” He adds, “Seriously, do you need to hit snooze 12 times? Your roommate works nights.”


Dr. Akshay’s findings also revealed that 0% of willing study participants have sprained their ankle while sprinting to work in platform sandals.