A woman’s breasts are often the most noticeable things on her body. While it’s important to give your bubbies a break from that stiff, wiry, traditional bustier, a lady must never let her bosoms go unsheathed—especially a lady whose boobs are two distinct and unexpected shapes. Soft, lacey bralettes are an amazing solution to make your irregular breasts look even more irregular than normal! Here’s how to shape your weirdly shaped breasts into shapes that were even weirder than before:
1. Aerie Lace Wraparound Bralette (American Eagle, $26.95)
This pretty lacey piece from Aerie will transform your attitude and your boobs into more relaxed versions of their surprisingly rectangular selves. The cutout provides a nice window for the lower half of your boob to pop out and say, “Hello! I am very chill!”
2. Strappy Front and Back Bra (Free People, $48)
If you really want to look lumpy, you gotta go strappy. Don’t be fooled by its Escheresque lines and angles—this little number will keep you misshapen as all get-out!
3. Bali Suede Bra (Free People, $88)
This practical little number will free up your tatas from a confining-but-weird-shape-correcting underwire. Ideal for cowpolks, Free People’s suede bralette covers your nipples without compromising a total lack of support. And if there’s anything your weird nipples need, it’s coverage and support! Man, they are long.
4. Rochelle Halter Lace Bralette (Nasty Gal, $38)
This bralette is ideal for a girl going for an intimidating vibe, but one who doesn’t want to sacrifice comfort, but also one that will try and cover up your strikingly symmetrical stretch marks, but also one that will actually make them look more pronounced. This is the bralette that will make your guy say, “Are these your boobs?”
5. Molly Soft Cup Bra (Agent Provocateur, $190)
Interested in spending nearly $100 on a bra that guarantees a nip slip and provides no support? This is the one! The small amount of surface area is vital for making your boobs look too big for this bra, but not in a sexy way; in a weird way. Your boobs are somehow too high and also too low, which will be clearly visible in this contraption. Agent Provocatuer has always provided the ultimate in luxury lingerie for rich women with not-weird boobs like yours.
There is truly a soft bra for every season of weird boobs. Who knew your boobs could look so weird for any price? Let your tatas do the talking—we’re sure they’ll say something totally bizarre!