So Sue Me, I’m A Hat Chick

That Hat

As a woman, I know that my female competitors are jealous of my look. What can I say? I’m a Hat Chick and life’s not easy.


It’s a real burden to have such a perfectly shaped head with silky hair cascading in waves as it spills out from under my petite chapeau. (As a hat chick, I prefer French words to English, merci beaucoup!) Please don’t judge!


My hats are like personal announcements to the male species that I’m cute, fuckable, and emotionally charged. Even just putting on a simple Kangol cap telegraphs that I’m willing to do semi-sexual things that non-hat wearing girls can’t even imagine. Would it were not, but it’s so. Believe me, wearing hats has helped me attract more men than any boring, bare-headed maiden could hope for.


Whether I’m wearing a beret, a bowler, or a floppy straw hat with a pink chiffon cabbage rose on the band; I’m perceived as quirky and adorable. Sounds good right? Wrong! It inspires a lot of jealousy from people who can’t pull these looks off. So sue me, I know how to wear a hat well! It’s my God-given responsibility to keep my head adorably adorned.



I can turn up the mystery by turning down the brim of my fedora or I can don a pillbox hat with a face-covering veil for dramatic effect. Even at my laziest, I’ll turn a baseball cap around and wear it on my head like a cocky gangsta. And don’t think for a second that men won’t notice this sporty look. They cast sidelong glances at my noggin no matter how it’s festooned. When you look good in a hat like I do, you have to accept the attention that comes with it. I don’t always enjoy it, but these are just the cards I’ve been dealt in life.


Listen, I can’t make anyone else understand what it’s like to be a hat person. You either are one, or you aren’t. But one thing I know for sure is that when you wear a hat, men will take notice. Take it from someone who looks great in a hat.