Five Food-Based Substitutes for Love

Reductress - Food Substitutes Love

Eating your feelings is a culinary experience familiar to all women. But if it’s hard to read the Ben & Jerry’s label through your hopelessness-flavored tears, fear not: we’ve done the work for you with this handy list of things to mindlessly shove in your facehole while you desperately troll OkCupid for love and/or a free meal. Why not spice up your sobs with something new? Make room in your fridge—and your heart—for these five sadness-suppressors.


1: Mashed Potatoes with Chocolate Chips

Together at last! Regular mashed potatoes make you feel better. These mashed potatoes are like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook—substantial and comforting, but also sweet and surprising. Like the raindrops on his skin in that final scene, the chocolate chips add a glisten to the pure goodness of those soft white features.


2: A Whole Container of ______________

Also known as: The Shortcut. It makes the story easier to tell your coworker, friend, therapist, or mom. “I was so sad, I ate a whole jar of Fluffernutter;” “I was so out of it, I tossed back a Family Size box of Dunkaroos;” “I was so depressed, I hoovered a whole pigsty of pulled pork,” etc. It helps to think of this binge as a symbol of your undiscovered soul mate, or even better, your whole mate. Eating in wholes tells the universe that you’re ready for a giant jar of love to come along and sweep you off your feet.



3: Frozen Grapes and Cheese (and Chocolate)

Remember that French boy you met at summer camp when you were thirteen, and there was steam on the lake in the morning, and he kissed you softly under a willow tree? This is the food version, with fewer awkward boners and no intrusions from Tammy with her boobs and her stupid French immersion classes.


4: Chocolate-Dipped Pot Cookies

Clear your schedule, and load your Genius Playlist with late 90’s alternative music, because this one’s gonna take awhile. Who cares about snagging a man when you can’t move your legs and the only love you need is the sound of your own laughter? Have you thought lately about how the Gin Blossoms are way, way underrated and would make the perfect boyfriends? You will now!


5: Voodoo Chocolate Ice Cream Cake

1) Buy ice cream cake and tub of frosting. 2) Eat existing message on cake. 3) Put frosting in Ziploc baggie with corner cut off 4) Using baggie-like piping bag, write “I am sexy and confident and a significant other will realize it eventually, but first, this cake.” 5) Recite incantation. 6) Eat cake.

Regardless of your snack of choice (if you choose, but why not do all five?), the most important thing to remember is this: you’re awesome, and the best way to reinforce that awesomeness is by throwing yourself back into dating as soon and as often as possible. Your fridge is always there when you fail, but if you’re lucky, you’ll forget you have one because you’re out on the town so much! Until then—happy binging!