You know what’s a total bummer? No, besides messaging a guy first on Tinder and never getting a response, although, God, that totally sucks! But what sucks even worse is “that time of the month”: vaginal prolapse. It’s just one of the common problems us girls have to deal with. Medically speaking, prolapse happens when your kitty is just so beat to shit that internal organs start falling the fuck out of you. Who hasn’t had a pool party ruined by their baby house falling out of their penis garage? Bummer City, Population: you!
But whether you wore out your girl flower from pulling a Duggar and spawning a million babies, or just one too many D’s in the ol’ V, these spunky, sassy tights will hide the fact that your lady business is no longer in business:
Patterns! They’re fun, they’re crazy, they totally camouflage that cooter tail! When some nosy naysayer says, “OMG, is that an internal organ falling out of your skirt?” you can be all, “Nuh-uh, that’s houndstooth, bitch.”
Do you really want to wear those hideous suntan pantyhose that actually kinda show what’s going on with your undercarriage? Go opaque as hell—the darker, the better. With any luck, those midnight black stockings will hide your muff’s great escape.
Cable Knit Tights
In addition to having a sexy maritime edge, these tights are perfect because they’re the closest thing to industrial grade transvaginal mesh on the market. Your doctor may advise you to decorate your pink fortress in medical mesh to prevent your uterus from pulling a death drop, but he’s just being basic. With cable knit tights, you can look like a hot-ass sailor’s wife and no one will know that your dinghy has sprung a serious leak.
Why not take this maritime look even further and go full-on Life Aquatic on this bitch? In addition to keeping your wizard’s sleeve contained and restrained, these babies can hold a lot of moisture without tipping the hat to the fact that your bajingo is leaking entrails.
What’s that you say? Duct tape isn’t technically tights? Psssh, whatever girl! Duct tape can be used for anything! With all that heavy-duty security, plus the look of sensual cyborg realness to spare, how could you go wrong? Of course if you had the vagina of a real cyborg it could withstand copious amounts of birthing and gangbanging with ease, Lucky for you, this look is on the cheap so you won’t empty out your wallet maintaining your meat wallet. Maybe with all that extra cash you can save up for a robotic vagina!
Who says preventing your internal organs from falling onto the floor can’t be fashionable?