Jay Crew Exclusive: Rupert Murdoch Discusses his Divorce

 
Reductress’ notorious gossip columnist Jay Crew gets the filthiest gossip from the trashiest celebs. Fresh off a decision to split News Corp. into two companies, media mogul Rupert Murdoch announced that shares of both companies will begin trading this week. He sat down* with Reductress’ Jay Crew to explain the business decision.

 

RM: I’m sorry I couldn’t be there in person.

R: I’m all about Skype, Rüp. I’m digitally dating this Moroccan textile importer I met on an Emirates flight a month ago.

RM: Well. I’m a very busy man.

R: Trust, queen. You don’t even want to see my Day-Timer. I’m trying to get out of this C Wonder media mixer I have to be at in 45 minutes because my ex is hosting his bi-monthly Lispy Whisky Party on the roof at The Americano and it’s sort of super important that I’m there to go straight Iyanla on his ass about this former RentBoy he’s been banging who was married to Marc Jacobs for like a minute. But like a quick minute.

R: Rupert?

RM: Sorry, I’m being inundated with email from my lawyer about an island we’re acquiring in the Philippines.

R: NBD – let’s take it to the bridge and get you on your way. What’s going on with Wendi Deng? Can I get a quick quote on that before we talk business? How much does the hooker have you on the hook for? 2 billion?

RM: I will not have you disparage her name. Wendi is my wife and a Yale-educated businesswoman. Our marriage has broken down irretrievably.

 

 

R: I hate offending rich people who may or may not own me but…ugh. No tea, no shade – but Charlottes don’t marry Harry Goldenblatts in real life, ‘Rup. Has no one ever said this out loud to you before?

RM: It was a loving marriage that has ended.

R: Denial is not just a river in Egypt that you probably own. Okay, she is 44 and you are…

RM: 82.

R: Mmm hmm, okay. And you’re worth…

RM: $11.2 billion.

R: F*ck. Okay, so Wendi D is your third wife. How much did you last divorce cost you?

RM: $1.7 billion.

R: And you were married for…

RM: 32 years.

R: Okay, this math is going to melt my TI-82 but stick with me. She essentially got, hold on a sec…She got $53.2 million per year to close her eyes and be somewhere far far away for 3 and a half minutes.

RM: And?

R: I’d s*ck your dick hourly for like an eighth of that.

RM: That’s disgusting.

R: Okurrrrrrrrrrr. You’re going to tell me ‘disgusting’ when you look like a testicle? Not even like how Tom Hanks looks like a penis, which is sort of hot – but like full on, if you were in a criminal testicle lineup, the victim might choose you because you are a f*cking model of a testicle. There’s no way any woman is having sex with you because she’s attracted to you. You look like a melting coconut with dentures made out of used Chiclets.

RM: Clive, turn the talk box off.

R: Don’t do it Clive. He needs to hear this.

RM: Now, Clive.

R: Clive.

C: I’m sorry, Mr. Crew, Mr. Murdoch has terminated the interview.

RM: Is it off yet?

C: I’m trying to turn it…

[CALL ENDED]

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*Skyped
Correction: Neither Ms. Deng nor Mr. Murdoch’s other two ex wives, according to a paralegal we talked to, can be identified as prostitutes. Reductress regrets the error. Mr. Crew would like it known that his offer still stands for Mr. Murdoch or either/both Koch Brother(s).