So your first date with OkCupid guy is going terribly. He picked a sushi place and you hate sushi as if it were an unwanted pregnancy. He’s wearing a men’s cardigan and some kind of moccasin. He casually mentions that he collects old car parts. By the end of the meal, you’re both exchanging a series of stammers and annoyed looks.
But when you’re both awkwardly hovering by your apartment door, you tipsily remember how cute he is. And he smells so…yummy? The idea of saying an uneasy “goodbye forever” is endless agony, but you’re worried he might do something weird like make eyes with you or tell you about his religious hangups if things go any further. What to do?
Anal sex! It’s perfect. You don’t have to look at him, you feel like you got something out of the date, and when it’s over he goes straight home knowing things are not going anywhere serious. Plus, there’s a certain joy to knowing someone’s up your butt – there’s no way that’s not funny. And it doesn’t even matter if you’re making an ugly sex face!
Afterward, all the tension between you has vanished! He’s not the judgmental prick from dinner; you’re not the trampy lefty hippie-throwback of earlier, either. You’re Best Butt Buds.
He lingers comfortably at the door and winks at you. You listen as he whistles his way down your fourth-floor walkup. Then you shut the door, lock it, order takeout, and call your friend with something worth talking about.