Did you eat too much of that cheese plate? Is your belly full of champagne? The only way to project sophistication in these desperate moments is by surreptitiously farting near a less desirable sort of person who can take credit for your transgression. Find your perfect scapegoat so you can maintain your style and grace at this fancy affair:
1. Anyone in Flannel
Whether they’re fully grizzled or just channeling Angela Chase, everyone will assume a flannel-mongerer farted before they suspect you. You’re wearing an actual dress, for god’s sake. Something about that wilderness chic look mumbles, “I dealt it.” Nestle up to one of these nature lovers and no one will ever consider you the culprit.
2. Pregnant Women
Pregnant women are the gassiest people on the planet. They’re chock full of pheromones and they’ve lost a lot of pelvic control. Plus, nobody will get mad at a woman who is holding a tiny human being inside her, so you might as well let her take the blame. Go ask her about prenatal vitamins and fart away. Your silent-but-deadly is safe in her orbit.
These people don’t eat real food. They are fart factories. The trick here is to find one who looks just vegan enough to have that level of gas. Find one with tattoos or a tie-dye shirt. Then fart your little heart out because everyone will by eyeing that bean-eating hippy standing next to you.
4. Old People
Old people have terrible gas and don’t care what other people think. It is almost expected they pass gas in public. This is the best choice if you fear you might drop an audible fart. Old people farting loudly is as expected as their hip replacement next Wednesday. Stand next to a senior, drop your stink bomb, and let everyone assume it was Grandpa.
The art of gas-passing requires great craft and skill. Stay ladylike during a flatulence emergency by subtly blaming it on someone else.