Peeing in the Bathtub and Other Ways to Tell Yourself It’s Over

It starts out slow, innocuously, unsuspecting. You graduate school, get a job, and sign up for your company’s health insurance plan. You look forward to a regular paycheck. You get the personal funding you need in order to support your real dreams. But then something starts to change; you get tired earlier and going to bed at “reasonable” hours. You promise yourself you’ll make time for your dreams on the weekends. Your drive slips away and your youth begins to vanish. You start reading articles about people who were successful at an older age to reinvigorate your life, but you really just want to stay in bed and order nachos. You’re 30 now, and you pee in the bathtub every chance you get. Is it over? Are you over? Here are a few key signs that you are a mere shell of your former self:

 

You sit down when you shower, because you just don’t have it in you to stand for anything anymore. Yeah, you’re done here on earth.

 

Your big weekend plans are to put cheese on the leftovers you have waiting for you in the fridge. Everything that was something is basically done for you.

 

You have more television friends than real life buddies. Everyone alive has forgotten you.

 

You’ve named the cellulite dimples on your thigh, but not your cat, because you know they’ll at least be with you forever. You and your thighs = over.

 

When you tell co-workers you can’t go to happy hour after work, it’s because spending $30 for a possible buzz with five others isn’t as appealing as that $10 bottle of merlot with yourself. Listening to other people reminds you of how nothing you’ve become.

 

 

You fart openly in the workplace, because at least then you know your body is still being productive. Your sense of pride and sense of self are over.

 

You start flossing with strands of your hair, because your new motto is use it before you inevitably lose it. Yeah. Done.

 

You tell yourself you’re tired and have a headache, so you can avoid a night of masturbation. You just don’t find pleasure in yourself anymore because look at you.

 

Any barrels you come across you instinctively start scraping the bottom of it, because that’s where you know you’ll find someone who says they love you (you: a person who recently used a vegetable peeler to eat ice cream).

 

The only way you’ll tie the knot is if it’s a noose, but let’s be honest you don’t know how to tie a noose, let alone your shoes. Because it’s been these clogs for months and why even try.

 

If you responded positively to any of these signs (and let’s be honest, you probably haven’t even read this far because you’re microwaving an old piece of chicken) then you are effectively telling yourself it’s over. Just keep on peeing, girlfriend, cause there isn’t anyone who is going to walk into your life and find out at this point.