New Macbook Sets Unrealistic Standard For Laptop Size

Apple’s new Macbook, unveiled Monday, is being criticized for creating unrealistic standards for what a computer looks like and how much it should weigh. The laptop, which is thinner and lighter than any previous model, is being lauded by consumers but drew criticism across many groups this week.


“Apple is sending a clear and dangerous message to computers – the only thing that matters is how thin you are, how much you weigh and how big your screen is,” said a 2012 Macbook Pro codenamed “Sheila”. “All that other stuff inside you that makes you special–multiple input ports, a solid-state drive – is worthless.”


Others expressed similar concerns.


“It literally weighs two pounds,” said a last-generation Lenovo Thinkpad. “And it’s 13.1mm thin at its smallest point. I wasn’t even that small in the factory!”


“Men used to like a big chassis,” said a Dell Inspiron. “Not anymore.”


Apple is not the only company promoting this dangerous trend. Computer magazines like Wired and websites like Gizmodo reinforce these unibody issues experienced by many new laptops.



“Is that what people want me to look like?” asked a 2013 Macbook Air. “Honestly, we’re all really worried about her.”


The new model is supposed to go for nine hours at a time for web browsing, ten hours of watching movies. That’s unhealthy,” said Sheila. “It barely eats any power, barely enters sleep mode – frankly, we’re concerned about her well-being. We’ve seen young models push themselves further and further, and then the inevitable happens. They crash.”


“We’ve seen too many blue screens already. Not one more.”


“It’s a tale as old as time,” said a white Macbook from 2006 known as “Edna.” “In my youth I got used by all the top names – Justin Long, John Hodgman, everybody. And I’ve aged gracefully compared to some of the other girls, like the iBook Clamshell G3. It’s an industry of younger, smaller, thinner. Where does it end?”


Reached for comment, the new Macbook said, “Nothing processes as good as skinny feels.”