New Glossier Product Just Ripe Peach That You Eat Sexily

Last week, the popular millennial-targeted beauty brand Glossier dropped its highly anticipated new product, which is just a ripe peach that you bite into slowly and chew sexily.


The company has been teasing the product on Instagram for months. A day before the product popped up on Glossier’s website, Founder and CEO of Glossier Emily Weiss posted an extreme close-up of a peach against a light pink background to her 327K followers. The caption read: “directions: eat sexily.”


The company’s cult following freaked out, as expected, upon seeing the new product.


“This is going to make me look so fucking dewy,” says long-time Glossier user Kenna Jernon, who’s already ordered four peaches online. “I’ll wash with the Milk Jelly Cleanser, tone with Solution, put on Invisible Shield then eat that peach nice and slow in front of the mirror.”


Sources inside Glossier confirm the company has the science to back up the effectiveness of their new product, which retails at $28 a peach.


“In a clinical trial of daily peach eaters, three out of four people said that after four weeks, their skin looked transformed,” says Ele Asterin, Glossier’s Director of Quality Assurance. “You can’t argue the science!”


Beauty-obsessed women everywhere have responded with admiration at the brand’s innovation.


“A peach? That you eat in a sexy way? That’s fucking genius,” says Dani Loder, a beauty vlogger that’s advised fans to repurpose lipstick as blush and cream blush as lip tint.. “I fucking wish I’d thought of that.”

Despite the overwhelmingly positive response to the product, some people don’t get the hype. Most of the backlash has been from grocery stores nationwide.



“We sell ripe peaches at $1 a pound,” says Mario Kent, the manager at Bravo Supermarket in Brooklyn. “Come buy a peach here and eat that however the fuck you want.”


In response to this, Kenna Jernon explains why she’ll still order her peaches from Glossier: “Each box comes with cute lil’ stickers!”