New Female Head of Xbox Opens Blinds, Employees Shriek In Horror

Julie Larson-Green

Many Xbox employees were horrified this week when the first female head of the company, Julie Larson-Green’s first executive act as head was opening the office blinds, which caused employees to shield their eyes in terror. Some ran from the building, shocked at the sight of a real female form in the flesh.
 
“The soft glow of an electronic screen without natural light is bad for vision and has increased the cost of our vision insurance.” said Larson-Green in an email to employees. “I’ve also noticed some employees staying late at the office to download movies. This is making them tired and cranky the next day. I’m considering putting a limit on screen time before bed.”
 
Sources claim upon Larson-Green’s entry to the office, a number of employees were witnessed concealing Hentai collections with the Ctrl+H command, and quickly disposing of trash bags full of crusty socks.
 
Many unconfirmed reports have leaked of Larson-Green not only mandating the office blinds stay open at all times, but of her embarrassing employees in front of their friends by mispronouncing “PWND” and demanding they pick up their dirty pizza boxes.
 
“She’s already put Diet Coke and Baked Lays in the vending machines. And she’s making us talk to the girls in marketing. This is so lame!” claimed one disgruntled and acne ridden employee.
 
Xbox executives have yet to comment on the issue, but Reddit users are on their 300th “Julie Larson-Green is a MILF” thread.