National Calorie Consumption Down Because of Your Judgy Friend Becca

According to a study released by the National Institute of Health, the average calorie consumption of Americans has decreased by nine percent. The answer, scientists say, is the incessant passive shaming of your judgy friend, Becca.


Scientists were initially puzzled by such a drastic drop after four decades of rising calorie consumption. However, after studying a sample of 5,000 women who live sort of near you, a clear correlation developed between the start of the decline and Becca asking for your office to have a no-snacking policy.


“The overconsumption of food is something that our country has struggled with for decades,” said lead researcher Johnna Hei. “It seems that we’re finally absorbing that one time Becca said that cauliflower-crust pizza tasted just like regular pizza.”


At least 90 percent of women surveyed reported Becca as the cause of their change, with reasons ranging from “the time she asked if it was okay to dump the communal office cookies in the trash” to “the time she booped my stomach fat and said ‘Awww!’” After meeting Becca at their college roommate’s wedding, subjects reported an increased association between their calorie consumption and the reason why they still weren’t engaged. Even women who had previously indicated being happy with their weight reported that they would opt for a dumb fucking salad when brunching with Becca in order to not feel like a “disgusting cow”.


According to the National Institutes of Health, the decrease in calories has been accompanied by a decline in soda consumption—even diet sodas—thanks to Becca.



“I used to drink Diet Coke, but thanks to Becca’s Pinterest board “#HealthLife” I now only drink water while smelling a lemon wedge,” said Becca’s coworker Ann Stodges. “I think eventually the vending machine guy just stopped coming to our office for refills.”


Researchers noticed that even Becca’s #fitspo posts on Instagram could prevent additional consumption for a full two hours due to debilitating feelings of inadequacy and hoping that skipping that muffin was kind of like interval training in a bikini on the beach. Local bakeries have been struggling since Becca created her Instagram account.


“Nobody come-a to eat-a my muffins,” weeps Antonio Galuccio, the owner of Muffin Man Bake Shop. “Why-a people no like-a my muffins? Why, Becca, why?”


“Now that we’ve unlocked the power of Becca, there’s no telling what breakthroughs we could make,” says Hei, who is currently looking into the impact of Becca on aging.