My Hair Bows Prove I Was Raised Middle Class

Growing up, my dad worked for a tea company and my mom was a waitress. Together they pulled in $70K a year. I just never knew how to prove that to my poor friends at school and my rich friends at camp – until I realized that all I had to do was adjust one simple article of clothing to my wardrobe for everybody to know the truth.


It was so simple! Once I started buying hair bows and tying them into my hair, literally everything changed.


All I had to do was put a hair bow in my hair, and suddenly my nice life became that much nicer. People started respecting me for the middle class person that I was as soon as I attached a bow to the end of a braid (or tied a longer hair bow around my whole head, creating a wide ribbon headband). They’d watch me buy a can of San Pelligrino to go with my bag lunch and smile as if to say, “There goes that economically stable girl.” I could finally be myself.


In stores, the employees stopped following me around assuming I’d shoplift, just because I was a teen with an undefined financial background. Come on! Who wants to deal with that when they’re middle class? Why would I risk getting sent to juvie when all I had to do was swipe the credit card my mom gave me “for emergencies” if I saw something in the store I had to have?


Hailing cabs was no longer a tedious, stressful venture as long as I remembered to accessorize with a hair bow.  Having a taxi stop for me without a fuss quickly led to me going to a restaurant rated ($$$) on Yelp. As I paid the fare with my Chase debit card, I caught a glimpse of the cabbie in the rearview mirror. His face said, “Her? Eating at a sit-down pizzeria?” Then he saw my hair bow, and his eyes smiled. His mouth said, “No tip?” but his eyes smiled. After all, I was going to celebrate my brother’s music recital accomplishments all the way across town. But it’s not like I have a million dollars to tip everybody, y’know?


So are you thinking of coming out to your friends as middle class? Here’s the 4-1-1 on which hair bows best prove that you are a Cape Cod motel vacationing, four-door sedan driving type of person.



The Polka Dotted Hair Bow. Polka dots don’t just prove you’re offbeat and know what a ukelele is – they prove you can AFFORD a ukulele. And even spring for some lessons!


The Little Black Hair Bow. Show everyone that you’re classy and can clean up nicely after an intense Lacrosse practice. Go home, shower, then tie in a black hair bow in your hair before leaving the house and joining your parents at the Longhorn Steakhouse for appetizers and drinks.


The Multi-Colored Floral Hair Bow. Since middle-class gals love matching hairstyles, wouldn’t it be cute to perfectly match the pink in the flower from your hair bow to the pink in the stitching on your Keds? Hell yes it would be!


Now seriously, go buy some hair bows! You can no longer afford to have your socioeconomic status even slightly ambiguous! You shouldn’t have to deal with all the mystery that surrounds the exact financial bracket of income your parents made while they were raising you. And if you ever doubt yourself, remember: you were born this way!