Between soccer practice, therapy, homework, scrubbing poo stains, making lunch, and sopping up pee that somehow missed the toilet, it’s hard to be the unfailingly happy, well-adjusted nurturer you need to be. That’s especially true when your little one is morbidly ill. But who has time for an ER visit? So here’s a handy chart that’ll help you diagnose your child’s life-threatening ailment with minutes leftover for a secret glass of wine (shh!).