Jackie Not Pulling Her Weight in This Group Text

As a result of her infrequent and curt responses, friends were disappointed to realize that Jackie Edwards was clearly not pulling her weight in the group text thread of her closest friend group this week.


“She always fucking does this,” says friend Becca Mordhaus, whose text about the “creepy eye patch guy” elicited a volley of enthusiastic emoji responses from its recipients, with the exception of Jackie. “It’s like she has no desire to contribute meaningfully to the conversation.”


“Classic Jackie,” Becca said, setting her phone down in disgust. “Fucking classic Jackie. She knows that guy was fucking creepy.”


Participants attempted to engage Jackie by addressing her directly in the hopes that it would spark her cooperation. “That eye patch dude was staring at u ALL NITE, JACKIE!!” texted Megan Hynes in response to the original message. Despite these overtures, Jackie remained unresponsive.


“It’s just like, say something, you truant bitch,” Megan said.



Jackie’s friends continued texting. “Ugh rite??” on repeat, waiting for Jackie to contribute something useful to their banter. “That was so weird when the guy grabbed Jackie, insisted on giving her a ride home, then sped away into the nite? His car didn’t even have license plates! So awk.” Everyone voiced their agreement except Jackie, who apparently doesn’t appreciate having friends who want to make the most of their shared memories, but whatever.


“Ya Jackie” texted Becca. “Next time u leave to hook up with some rando, at least ask him if we can get a ride too. It took us literally 9 years to get an Uber.” Jackie responded with silence, which surprised no one.


At press time, Jackie finally submitted a statement to the group, texting “PLZHELP911911.” The others, though mystified by the cryptic message, responded gamely. “Lol ur so weird Jackie,” Kate texted, wondering if the text was meant for someone else.