Summer is over, and maybe you didn’t wind up with the bangin’ beach body you told yourself you’d be showing off by now. But that’s okay! There are still plenty of beach bodies to be found if you are willing to put in a little work. Follow these tips and you’ll be dragging out sexy summer remains in no time.
Dress for the part.
If you’re going to find that perfect beach body, try wearing muted earth tones; they’re flattering for all skin types and will help you stay inconspicuous as you move through the dunes searching for bodies. A low bootie will flatter your legs while protecting your feet from contact with messy human remains.
Hit the road!
Over 75% of murderers bury their victims within 50 feet of a roadway, so look for tire tracks leading into the dunes, put on your Nancy Drew hat and investigate. Stick close to the beachside bars where crimes of passion often occur. If you’re lucky, you may just go home with a toned, chiseled bod who got himself strangled behind the Dumpster at The Beachcomber.
Follow your nose.
Keep your sense of smell keen—you’ll need it to pick up the telltale scent of decay. Once you catch a whiff, try just a dab of Malin & Goetz tea tree or peppermint oil on your upper lip to keep from losing your fro-yo when you finally snag that ideal beach bod. Keep moving upwind until you see signs of a struggle and some hastily improvised digging tools.
Dig it up!
So you’ve found a promising grave site! All that hard work is about to pay off! Use a strong, short-handled shovel and alternate left and right digging strokes to tone your arms evenly. Shoveling loose sand is hard work, but as tempting as it is to go digging in the smooth wet sand below the tide-line, skip it unless you’re willing to settle for a sad, waterlogged beach body—possibly with a nasty case of crabs.
Dress it up!
OK, you’ve done your work and found a sweet, perky beach body. Dress it up according to body type. Score a hunky young gym teacher who borrowed money from the wrong people? Put him in a form-fitting suit and accessorize with a jaunty hat that hides his head wound. Toting around a sad Ukranian cocktail waitress who immigrated with a nasty heroin addiction? Dress her in a bright, colorful top that will distract from her needle marks and dour expression. Could your beach body stand to lose a few pounds? Throw her away.
Hit the club!
Time to hit the club! Seasoned club-goers know to get there a little early to stake out a good table, but since you’ve got your beautiful beach body, it probably won’t be all that hard. Seat yourself and your propped-up beach body front and center and you’ll be enjoying lots of attention all night long.
Now get out there, and get that beach body!