Friendship is about being there for each other, and since her mom died last week, your friend hasn’t been there for you at all. Is she totally obsessed with her recent major loss? Use this helpful quiz to find out:
1. You take your friend to Ace Bar on Friday night to cheer her up. You order a vodka gimlet. She orders:
a. A chocolate martini.
b. That tall Wall Street-y guy standing at the bar. Sass!
c. Two White Zinfandels, Simultaneously, with no ice. Hm. That’s not like her at all.
d. “My Mommy Back!” amidst wracking sobs. The weirded-out waiter says he’ll ask the bartender if he knows how to make that.
2. You take her to a costume party! You go as Old Taylor Swift. She wears:
a. Something vaguely cowgirl-ish. She’s making an effort to be social at her own pace.
b. Underwear. Just underwear.
c. Boxing gloves. Oh shit – she’s actually punching people.
d. The same smelly clothes she’s been wearing since her mom died. Girrrrlllll.
3. You tell her getting laid may help her. She says:
a. “Ha! Sure, maybe in a few weeks.”
b. “Aaron and I broke up last month but I bet I could get a condolence fuck out of him.”
c. “Fuck getting laid. What would make me feel better is driving my car into a bank.”
d. “MY MOMMY WAS LAID IN THE GROUND!”
4. You rent a Zipcar and drive your friend out of the city for a healing change of scene. Which song would she start the playlist with?
a. “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. It always made her mom smile.
b. “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke. She wants to fuck some naked models.
c. “Fuck You” by Ceelo Green. She keeps saying, “Fuck you” to strangers.
d. Her mom’s last voicemail. Bummer!
5. You take her to your parents’ house out in the boonies for a weekend for another change of scene. She:
a. Weeps but smiles while showing your folks pictures of her and her mom.
b. Crawls into your parents’ bed at night to sleep next to your mommy, except she’s naked.
c. Psychotically accuses you of showing off your living mom, then lights the bathroom garbage on fire.
d. Cancels at the last minute. She has to “settle her mom’s estate.”
Mostly A’s – Your bud is going through the normal phases of grief at a healthy pace, which is super obnoxious. Ditch her till she knocks it off.
Mostly B’s – Lots of people have a change in sex drive while grieving. Your friend, however, is a total sexual predator. Avoid avoid avoid.
Mostly C’s – It’s super not-hot to be criminally violent, even if you’re super sad. Screen her calls for a little while.
Mostly D’s – Your friend is SUPER obsessed with her mom’s death last week.