How to Write From Your Heart So Your Professor Will Fuck You

You’re coming into your own as a writer and as a woman. Whether you’re an undergrad or post-grad, this is your time to experiment with your prose and your beaus. Here’s how to find your voice as a writer while letting your professor know that you are 100% fuckable – with nothing but your tapestry of words.


Add Style and Fuckability to Your Writing

You got the coveted invite to his office after class, but as you’re sitting there, ready to make the stuff that memoirs are made of, he says your writing is not “lyrical” enough. It’s true! You can’t write from the heart and also make him want to fuck you without adding your own sense of style to your prose. Make things be like other things, especially if those things are the shape of a woman’s buttocks, or his subtle erection. Soon enough, he’ll be bending you over as quick as he slams that photograph of his wife facedown on his desk!


Avoid Writing Magical Creatures

You’ve got a story inside of you, and obviously you’d like your professor to be inside of you, too. But don’t let the first compromise the second, cause he isn’t going to do you if you’re writing about elves. There is nothing deeply personal or fuckable about a dragon quest. Slay them from your outline. Before writing, convert all magical creatures into soul-searching Millennials, depressed middle-aged white men, or whimsical women who are into depressed middle-aged white men. You’re on your way to becoming a writer that a real writer would want to have sex with!


Admit to Themes of Great Importance That Also Relate to Boning

When that girl in your class says your work sounds like it’s coming from “a different person altogether,” tell her that maybe you’re channeling the intrinsic loneliness of mankind? What is loneliness, anyway? And what is so intrinsic about it? It’s not about what you say, but how probingly you say it. That’s what writing from your heart is all about. You may never be his Daisy Buchanan, but you’ll have bite marks on your shoulder in no time!



Make Your Ending More Fuck-worthy

Does your story end happily, with battles won, victory achieved, and the guy getting the girl? That’s the type of fluff that wilts a corduroy-covered dick. Life is nothing but an existential crisis stemming from the meaningless of our human condition and the dismal passage of time as one awaits tenure! Revise your ending to emphasize fractured relationships, wanton women who may never emerge from that dark place. Your professor will eat this up with his gum disease-ridden mouth!


Congratulations, you’ve proven to yourself that you’ve got what it takes to make it with the writing faculty! So your story didn’t end well, but you got your happy ending. Isn’t that what writing is all about?