How to Steam Your Vagina After You’ve Lost Everything Good in Your Life

When you’ve lost your job, your boyfriend’s left you, your family’s estranged, and you can barely pay rent, things can seem pretty bleak. But look on the bright side—you finally have time to steam your vagina! Let your vagina be a portal for positivity as you steam in the good, steam out the bad, and distract yourself from the desolation of your life with the sensation of “Whoa, that’s a hot vagina!”


Find A Bowl.

With your life now perpetually in stasis, void of purpose or identity, direct yourself toward a large ceramic bowl big enough to hold a significant amount of hot water over which you’ll be able to hover your vagina. It’s probably best not to use the bowl your mother gave you right before you chose to cut off all communication with her over…what was that fight about? Jesus, you can’t even remember. Choose a more tranquil ceramic bowl connected to fewer memories of the life you’ve lost. You’ll be steamin’ up that vag in no time!



Choose Your Herbs.

The herbs you choose to steam with will affect how well your vagina (and soul) reacts to the treatment. Keep in mind that scent is the strongest trigger for memories, like the memories of how your boyfriend used to cook a rotisserie chicken on Monday nights before he got together with Kendra who you thought was your friend. We highly recommend using lavender and not “rotisserie chicken”.


Find a Comfortable Position.

Have any friends called or texted you to see how you’re doing lately? No? Are they still mad at you for embarrassing Trish in front of her kids? Yes? Then at this point, you will need to comfort yourself by finding a relaxing position in which to hover your vagina over steam. Try sitting between two chairs, perching on the edge of the tub, or just crouching like the animal a human becomes when you take away all the trappings of society.



Steam for However Long It Takes to Feel New Again

As you hover over the steam, staring at a blank wall in contemplation of the bridges you’ve burned and all the good things that used to be in your life but aren’t anymore, remember—this steam treatment is about appreciating YOU! Shut out the negativity by closing your eyes as you steam your vagina, the only thing that’s really yours anymore. Focus on that warm cooter feeling instead of on the fact that you don’t have a job or friends.


When you first heard about vaginal steaming, you probably thought, “Who has time for that BS? I have a life!” Well, now you don’t have a life, but you do have time for a vaginal spa day, so shell out the last of your savings and enjoy! This is all you have now.