How to Secretly Get Wasted at Your Child’s Birthday Party

So you’ve got the Dora the Explorer cake, a clown, games and balloons – but what can make the party fun for Mommy? I’m talking about getting hammered, ladies. Just because your child ruined your vagina doesn’t mean they have to ruin your weekend with a boring day of wholesome entertainment – here are some helpful tips to turn your child’s milquetoast celebration into the private bender of your dreams!


1. Pre-Party!
Before your guests arrive, down some shots to take the edge off of this dull party – not to mention, Mary from the PTA’s stories about carpool will sound way more exciting after your five warm-up drinks.


2. Have Contraband Booze Stashes
While everyone is staring at your “adorable” child opening some dumb toys, dip out to one of your secret hiding places you’ve set up all around the house (modeled after last year’s dumb fucking Easter egg hunt) and take a hit of the sweet nectar while everyone’s heads are turned. Party on!


3. Hire a Clown that Looks Drunker than You
Children doing “cute” things can only be a diversion for so long, so you need to bring in a proper distraction while you slam Goldschlager under a folding table. The solution? Hire a clown that is a total train wreck of a human being. Troll the Internet for the worst-reviewed clowns (bonus points for a history of substance abuse) and you’ll be blissfully sipping vodka from a water bottle as your guests ruminate on how sad that clown must be.



4: Make a Special Dessert, Just for Mom!
So Disaster Clown can only hide so much secret drinking, and guests are starting to wonder where you are. No problem! You can eat your booze in front of everyone in the form of an Everclear-infused Jell-O mold, or a sponge cake soaked in Jagermeister. You can pretend you’re just “watching your figure” by skipping out on cake, but instead you’ll be enjoying the long-lasting effects of inhaling a loaf of gelatinous grain alcohol.


5. Get Blasted Non-Orally!
Guests are starting to talk about the fact that your breath smells like gasoline and you punched Judy Webber in the face for trying to get a bite of “Mommy’s cake”. Haters gonna hate, but all you need is a quick bathroom break and BAM, you have plenty of time to insert a tampon soaked in vodka or perform an impromptu butt chug. Before you know it, you’re back at the party, just in time to steal your child’s bat and beat the shit out of her birthday piñata.


This lame child party has officially become a RAGER! For years to come, your child will remember their birthday as the time Mom went HAM on their special day. Happy secret drinking!