Potty training toddlers is the worst. Why? Your child continues to be too damn tiny and stupid to pull her own weight around the house, and yet you’re socially obligated to keep them in clothes that have little to no poop in them. Aside from patience, kindness, and good parenting, there’s literally nothing you can do.
You’ve had enough of her shit – so what can you do to make her feel like shit the next time she shits her pants? Poop-shame her! Here’s how to make your little rascal think twice about her shitty “I do not yet possess the ability to reason” attitude:
1. The ol’ “I’m Calling Santa Claus” routine:
The second you see your kid make the “gotta go” face as he refuses to toddle to the actual bathroom where civilized humans poop, whip out your cell phone and loudly express tell Santa how he is a disappointment to the whole family. Tell your toddler that Santa doesn’t like bringing toys to little boys or girls who shit their pants when he can bring toys to other boys and girls who actually know how to use the toilet like a rational human being. Tell him that wasting a toy on him would be an outrage to the entire North Pole – and an insult to Christmas in general. He’ll still shit his pants, but at least he’ll feel terrible about it.
2. The ol’ “This ice cream? You wanted this ice cream?” routine:
If there is one dessert all children and toddlers love, it’s ice cream. Kids can’t resist ice cream – it’s just a fact… and you have to use facts to your advantage. Buy a big box of your toddler’s favorite ice cream flavor and make yourself an exciting sundae right in front of her. Remember that kids like flashy things – bedazzle the shit out of this bowl of ice cream so that it hurts more when you deny your child the chance to have it. When your child demands an answer as to why she cannot have an ice cream sundae with you, explain that there’s no point in giving her such a wonderful dessert when it’s just going to end up in her underpants instead of in the toilet. Then, eat it yourself, on the toilet, with the door open.
This may seem harsh – even insane – but it’s important for your child to feel ashamed after poop-shaming. A negative side effect of this method is that your child is guaranteed to write a one-person show, but trust us, they’ll never shit their pants again.
If for some reason THAT doesn’t work, you can always try…
3. The ol’ “SURE WE CAN GO TO DISNEY WORLD… WHEN YOU GROW THE F*CK UP AND STOP SHITTING YOUR PANTS” routine:
Disney World is one of the places every child dreams of visiting. When I was a toddler I wanted to go so bad I could taste it. I would sit in my playpen and daydream about what it would be like to hang out with Mickey Mouse with no poop in my pants.
What you do here is buy three plane tickets to Disney World. One for you, one for your husband, and one for your favorite potty-trained niece or nephew. It’s a very good idea to pick a niece of nephew that is better than your child in some way (bilingual, doesn’t need glasses, etc.).
When your insolent, immature toddler inevitably cries when they find out that they are not invited on the trip, this is a special time for you to really make them feel the shittiest they have ever felt about themselves. Why would you bring a toddler to Disney World with you if they can’t even crap in the toilet? Seriously, ask them that! If they’re not ready to sit on the big girl potty, then their not ready to sit on a plane for four hours. It’s just that simple.
For good measure, send a postcard signed by Mickey: “Have fun sitting in a pile of your own feces! Garsh!”
Everybody has different parenting methods, but I don’t think anyone would argue that these tips are the best way to ensure that you raise a happy, healthy, and decent-smelling toddler who isn’t constantly messing up and relieving themselves in whatever outfit they please. Remember: You are in control of those little useless bodies!