How to Make Your Glaring Virginity Less Distracting to Those Around You

If you’re a virgin, everyone around you probably totally knows it, and they’re probably totally unable to go about their lives as normal because of the virgin energy emanating from your babyish lameness. Here are some surefire tips for making your intact hymen less of a societal burden:


Get Gauges In Your Ears

People are less likely to pick up on the fact that you’ve never had a penis inside of you if they see that other foreign objects are invading your ear holes. Stretch ‘em out, let ‘em droop, and fill them with anything you can find. When you walk around your local Starbucks, people around you will subconsciously think, “That girl has an entire banana inside her left earlobe! I can’t imagine what else she gets fucked with!”


Be Cooler

Everyone knows it: Cool people are having tons of sex. This is just a fact of being an adult. So get an undercut, listen to some Twin Shadow, and go to a café where the wait staff consists only of miniature potbellied pigs. These are activities that only girls who have been penetrated would do.



Hang Out at Planned Parenthood

This one’s a little tricky, but very effective. Though you won’t actually be able to get an abortion because you’re a gross virgin, just by walking into Planned Parenthood, you’ll basically feel like a certified sex goddess. As you walk by the protesters, you’ll feel so sexually active, you might even believe it yourself!


Win a Nobel Prize

Only someone with the confidence of having been boned could achieve such greatness! On second thought, though, you probably won’t be able to do this.


Have Sex with Someone

Anyone! Doesn’t matter who! Frankly, this would solve everything. Get on it, ya virge!


At the end of the day, if you’re waiting to have sex or it just hasn’t happened yet, understand that you’re damaging society and ruining everyone’s lives. If you can’t make the sacrifice to just have sex (which isn’t that big of a deal but also kind of is), the least you can do for us is pretend like you have!