How to Love Yourself (and Your Creepy Neighbor, Fred)

As a lady, you need to have respect and love for your true self and also for Fred, your annoying creepy-looking neighbor you encounter almost everyday on your dog walks. If you want to call yourself a truly empathetic, sweet, and genuine woman then you must extend your benevolent loveliness to everyone around you. It may not be easy, but it is your duty as a woman to be kind. Here’s how to learn to love yourself and also Fred, that pedophile-mustache you call your neighbor.


Start every day by heartily greeting the world (and Fred).

Morning is the best time to set an intention for the day, and it’s also the best time for your shut-in next-door neighbor Fred to try and see into your bathroom window. So go ahead and resolutely greet the day and wave to Fred as he stands on your patio furniture. Sure, he’s making inappropriate sexual hand gestures at you, but that’s just his way of greeting the day! Plus, he can’t see you through the frosted glass so he’s probably just masturbating. Show Fred you appreciate his greeting by greeting his greeting with a greeting!


Don’t shut yourself off from things you disagree with (like being flashed by Fred).

Life opens up when you do. When Fred let’s his stained bathrobe come untied, don’t be afraid to see the world in front of your eyes! You never know what you’ll won’t see close your eyes: the Grand Canyon, a wild horse, Fred’s sweaty wang. Fred is a human being who wants to experience the world, too, so take a note from Fred and embrace living openly!



Use the power of a smile to cheer yourself (and Fred) up.

Whenever life (or Fred) gets you down, smile. Really, try it! Studies show that smiling releases dopamine in your brain, even if you’re not necessarily happy at that moment because Fred is just not taking a hint. It might be hard when Fred is leaving anime porn taped to your bay windows, but think about how hard things are for Fred! It’s impossible to have sex with a cartoon. So go on, give him a smile. It might give him the boost he needs!


Sure, your suspicions that Fred only lives next door because there aren’t any schools near your house are becoming more and more founded every day, but it’s important to treat Fred and yourself with love, appreciation and empathy! Remember: You can’t love yourself until you love Fred, too.