How To Keep Your Reptilian Manifesto From Coming Off As Bitchy

You’ve done a great deal of research and you’ve finally completed the reptilian manifesto you’ve been writing for years. The only problem is you’re a woman with lots of strongly held opinions about Lizard People, and you don’t want to come on too strong or make anyone feel too uncomfortable about it. Here are some ways to make your well-written analysis of the New World Order seem a little less bitchy.


Say “I’m sorry if this sounds crazy” at the end of every paragraph.

The more you apologize for your ideas about these blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system, the easier it will be for people to accept them! The truth is insane but that doesn’t mean you are!


Use lots of question marks?

Sure, you believe all the things that you’re saying about George W. Bush’s arrival from the lower level of the fourth dimension and would defend these ideas to the death. That being said, question marks will make people feel less like “Whoa, this bitch must be PMSing” and more like, “This person is totally approachable and is coming from a good place!”



Use little hearts over every lowercase letter “I.”

Sure, you’re writing about how the human bodies of Lizard People are actually holographic veils to conceal their true hideous nature, but you can still try to make it sound adorable. Hand-write it as though it were a note being passed among tweens, and not the serious political document that could fundamentally transform society if people only knew the truth.


Have a comments section in case people don’t like something and want to say how they feel.

You need to give people the opportunity to say whatever they want whenever they want or else they might think you’re being a total bitch about exposing the Brotherhood! Let people engage in cruel internet discourse regarding something you’ve spent years writing and researching in order to show that you’re open to feedback. You’re not some rigid-minded overlord bent on world domination, like SOME people (i.e.: lizards)!!


Include an audio recording of you reading your strongly held opinions, but in a wavering voice.

People are naturally going to be threatened by your revolutionary ideas about the Matrix-like dreamworld we live within. You’re not a bitch for attacking the system of virtual-reality oppression; you’re a scared little girl who’s just telling her story. People will hear the fear and creeping doubt in your voice and think, “Oh okay, she’s chill!”


Now you’re on your way to becoming an approachable human body-computer, who knows what’s up! If you’re lucky, people are going to read this manifesto and like it. And it’s always better to express the convictions you receive through channeled automatic writing without coming off like a total bitch.