How to Have Better Sex—The Hardest Way Possible

We all know that sex is pleasurable and fun, but first and foremost, it’s an intense challenge that pushes your mental and physical abilities to the limit. Stop wasting everyone’s time by just doing stuff in the sack that “feels good” for you and your partner. Being good at sex means putting in the maximum effort that will yield the minimum payoff. With these tips, you can take things up a notch by making your next sexual experience as hardcore and debilitating as humanly possible so you can feel like a real sex champion. Time to enter the octagon of LOVE!

 

Be Upside Down More

Doggie style? BORING. Reverse cowgirl? BORING. Missionary? BITCH PLEASE. Sex isn’t supposed to be easy; it’s supposed to be work. The only way you can heat things up is by putting one of your legs behind your head and hanging upside down while you grab his balls and he takes you sideways while both of you are suspended from the rafters on aerial silks. It’s just how you’re gonna have to roll from now on if you consider yourself a serious sex-haver.

 

 

Do it in a Panic Room

Any schlub can get off in a nice candlelit boudoir with sensual music playing. How about a florescent-lit panic room, on a broken futon, with voicemails of his mother playing in the background? Now we’re talking! This sex will emotionally exhaust you without even making you climax! If he’s religious, kick things up a notch by whispering, “God is watching us and he thinks this is disgusting!” right as he’s about to come. Finish off the night by competing in a sprint-length triathlon. Sex is pointless if you don’t GO HARD!

 

Engage in surprise grappling.

You’re both about to climax, great, whatever. What better time to practice your hand-to-hand combat skills? The next time he’s going down on you, mix things up by clenching your thighs shut, Greco-Roman-style. If he’s worth anything, he’ll be able to escape that hold and engage you in an evenly matched grappling competition. Have a friend on hand to keep score and to make sure you stay within the painstakingly marked competition area. Do you want to orgasm easily like some tool who doesn’t work for it? Or do you want to make it a challenge by randomly sparring with your sexual partner? THIS ISN’T A GAME. THIS IS SEX and unexpected physical challenges are NECESSARY.

 

Pegging—all day, everyday.

If you think pegging isn’t your cup of tea, well, this isn’t a tea party, lady. This is sex—it’s not supposed to feel fun! You peg him and he pegs you. All. Damn. Day. Why would a man with a functioning penis need to wear a strap on, you say? BECAUSE IT MAKES THINGS HARDER! Just strap in, strap on, and get to work, because you’re going to be here a while.

 

Employ extreme physical restraints.

You may think you’re kinky with your cute little fuzzy handcuffs, but those are for children. You want something that will really prevent your partner from being able to move. Take things to the next level by duct taping everything but his genitals to a wall, then lie on a bed across the room, pleasuring yourself in a way that doesn’t actually feel good. If he wants you bad enough, he’ll figure out a way to get loose. Once he does, don’t have sex. Go to the gym for a few hours while having that unsolvable argument you have every month. Do you want to come, or do you want to WIN?

 

There, now you have the tools you need to take your erotic exploits to THE NEXT LEVEL. Because if your next sex session doesn’t suck the entire life force out of you, you’re probably a total virgin.